


the horrible curse of kim jaehwan

by bvssbot



Category: Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Enemies to Lovers, M/M, background 2dong, background chamniel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-21
Updated: 2017-12-21
Packaged: 2019-02-15 17:00:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 21,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13035519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bvssbot/pseuds/bvssbot
Summary: there's only two people ong seongwoo despises, and it's his sociology lecturer and kim jaehwan.





	the horrible curse of kim jaehwan

**Author's Note:**

> hello it is i yet again and i'm here to post another pile of shit carefully collected and formatted into a story  
> honestly don't remember how or why this fic happened  
> it wasn't supposed to be this long and i kinda regret putting so much work into it knowing that no one is going to read it cause nobody cares abt onghwan but i had fun writing it so..... whatever
> 
> thank you berry for dealing with my whining n shit, you're the real mvp and i prolly wouldn't have finished this fic if not for you

* * *

seongwoo is munching on his drumstick, listening to daniel ramble in-between practically inhaling food about how hilarious and cute and  _amazing_ woojin is. seongwoo finds it funny how daniel made a whole list of things that he likes about woojin in his head; right now they're at the 'how much more interesting the dance practices have become for daniel after woojin joined the dancing crew he's part of' station. seongwoo tries his best to push ugly jealous thoughts to the very back of his mind, nodding when needed and asking questions just to humor daniel, and definitely not because he likes seeing him practically glow with joy as he talks about his boyfriend.

seongwoo is genuinely happy that daniel found someone he clicks so well with and whom loves and appreciates daniel almost as much as daniel loves and appreciates them, but seongwoo cannot deny that he wishes he also had someone like that, because sometimes the affection he gets from friends just isn't enough. it's been awhile since dongmin broke up with him (because seongwoo apparently wasn't "open enough about his emotions" — that sure felt like a punch to the gut), but seongwoo has been so busy juggling work and university and fulfilling his general human needs, there was simply no thought on his mind of seeking out someone to date.

there is now, has been for some time since woojin and daniel got together and started doing everything possible to make seongwoo jealous of their happy and healthy relationship. it didn't help that most of his friends seemed to be taken, seongwoo and youngmin being the only singles in their friend circle.

"...and he didn't even flinch. sometimes even i find woojin scary, but sungwoon's, like, too powerful. he just doesn't care," daniel says, pausing to throw a few fries into his mouth.

seongwoo takes a moment to chew. "i'm pretty sure that's because he's the devil himself."

daniel laughs even though the joke wasn't particularly funny, and it's when seongwoo looks up to smile at him he sees kim jaehwan across the yard. he's carrying a bag of what appears to be his lunch, and seongwoo unintentionally scowls at the sight.

daniel looks up — or, rather, down — from his food to grab the coke bottle on the bench between them and somehow notices the sour expression on seongwoo's face.

"what's wrong?" he asks, confused at the sudden change of mood, "is the chicken bad?"

he looks genuinely concerned — seongwoo's expression softens just a bit.

"no, no! it's good," he reassures, taking a bite of his drumstick for emphasis.

he can't help but look behind daniel at the way jaehwan laughs with his tall good looking friend that seongwoo sees around him a lot. seongwoo scowls again, staring at his food and suddenly losing appetite. he still finishes the drumstick though, because daniel spent his hard earned money on their lunch and seongwoo doesn't have anything to eat at his place anyway except for a package of stale crackers, cheap ramen and some possibly gone bad by now veggies. he hasn't done grocery shopping for two weeks and will probably postpone it to another day yet again when he comes back home later tonight, so daniel's chicken takeout is his only aid.

"then what's up?" daniel asks, chugging half the bottle of their coke in one go.

seongwoo wonders how come it doesn't flow out of daniel's nostrils. he has half a mind to complain but doesn't say anything — the coke is gone already anyway, and eats a small boneless piece before wiping his oily fingers on one of napkins that came with their order instead.

he nods his head at his arch nemesis settling down on one of the benches not so far from the west wing of their campus, and scoffs. daniel conspicuously whips his head around cause he's a damn idiot, making a sound when he realizes who's seongwoo pointing at.

"i don't get it? he's not even doing anything," he says, turning back to seongwoo and dipping the fillet he's holding in several sauces until the whole piece is covered in them.

seongwoo cringes when daniel pops the chicken in his mouth, chewing happily and reaching his greedy fingers inside the bag to grab another piece.

"he doesn't have to, his existence ruins my day enough," seongwoo declares, getting his phone to occupy himself since he doesn't feel that hungry anymore. he still grabs a few fries from time to time.

he absolutely does not watch jaehwan from under his fringe, wondering what's so funny when jaehwan laughs again and shoves his friend's shoulder in a playful manner.

"listen, if you hate the guy so much then why do you care about him? can't you just ignore him?" daniel asks, tone almost scandalized as if it's his best friend they're talking about.

it's not, seongwoo and jihoon are his best friends. though, yes, seongwoo can't deny daniel and jaehwan are sort of acquaintances. they're not close though, so seongwoo figures daniel is just fed up with seongwoo's pettiness. after all, daniel is a good person, unlike seongwoo.

"i don't care about kim jaehwan," seongwoo scoffs anyway, "and i am ignoring him."

"and that's why you're staring at him right now," daniel says flatly.

seongwoo quickly diverts his eyes back to his phone.

"am not," he says and when daniel dares to click his tongue in annoyance, whines, "shut up…"

daniel doesn't question seongwoo anymore, probably reckoning there's no point. seongwoo knows that daniel is fully aware of how both of them can be stubborn assholes sometimes.

 

honestly speaking, seongwoo doesn't remember when exactly he started actually disliking the guy. they don't interact outside of the human behavior in the social environment class they share (and even there they've maybe talked twice or thrice) but seongwoo does see jaehwan around quite a lot since their campus is on the smaller side.

there is just something incredibly annoying about kim jaehwan. maybe it's his uncomfortably loud laugh, or how he never seems to shut up when seongwoo overhears him chatting to his friends before class. he boasts a lot too, and the fact that all of his friends think he's _so_ damn funny — seongwoo swears he hears their laughter in his worst nightmares — just because he spits all that shit so shamelessly annoys the living hell out of seongwoo. the most frustrating part is that jaehwan can say the most ridiculous thing like he truly means it.

once jaehwan kept going on about how he got casted as a model on the street, and it almost made seongwoo laugh out loud because of how ridiculous jaehwan sounded when he said that there was no way a two hundred centimeters tall handsome man like himself didn't have to fend off annoying agents any time he went out in public. his friends laughed and humored him, and to this day seongwoo remembers the brazen look on kim jaehwan's face and the sudden rush of bitterness and frustration in his own chest.

it seems to be so effortless for jaehwan to come up with the most dumb shit that is somehow hilarious — it's simply unfair to seongwoo, who is trying hard but all that he gets most of the time is a exasperated look or a chuckle. except when he's daniel, of course… maybe that's why seongwoo loves daniel so much (it's not the reason).

 

their first encounter happened the first week into the second quarter of fall semester.

seongwoo was running late that day, having completely overslept eight out of his ten morning alarms and barely making it to class. he didn't have anyone to blame but himself — he stayed up late playing video games. he certainly shouldn't have visited the early opened coffee shop near the subway entrance before catching his bus either, the wait in line for his morning americano eating up the last minutes and making him more and more annoyed at himself. it was the last straw when he managed to spill the coffee he _just_ got all over his fingers while rushing down the street, and by then seongwoo knew for sure it wouldn't be a good day at all.

he managed to make it to the classroom before the lecturer against all odds, passively-aggressively thanking his tall father for the genes in his own head. seongwoo wasn't the fastest runner, but there sure are certain perks to having a large leg span.

seongwoo was about to sigh out in relief and plop down on his usual spot when he realized that someone already took it, a head of hair dyed dark brown hung low as the guy typed away on his phone under the table.

seongwoo swore he physically felt his mood worsen. it wasn't only because his seat was perfect for both keeping up with the lecture and napping without being noticed by the professor, but it was also because the seat was in ideal distance from the whiteboard for seongwoo to see everything perfectly well even with his yearly worsening due to excessive gaming sight. it was a _superb_ seat, and for the first time in seongwoo's academic life someone took it before seongwoo.

it was irrational for him to get irritated at something so small, because even if seongwoo is one petty asshole, he's certainly not that petty, but it was a particularly sucky morning and seongwoo's patience was running low.

a smaller part of him was fully aware at how he was wrong to approach the stranger instead of simply choosing another seat, but seongwoo ignored any rational thought and stomped his way to his usual place, hovering over the stranger.

"dude, that's my seat," seongwoo said, clearing his throat to mask how out of breath he was from all the running.

it took a few seconds for the guy seongwoo has literally never seen before to look up from his phone and realize seongwoo was talking to him. seongwoo thought he might have been one of those irresponsible fucks that only attended lectures once a month — his lips twisted in disapproval.

"your seat?" the guy asked, the mildly surprised expression on his face doing nothing to appease seongwoo.

"yes. would you move please," seongwoo said, voice as steady as it could be.

"can't you choose another seat?" the guy snorted, disinterested, and looked back down to his phone.

seongwoo shifted his weight from one leg to another and tried to ignore the attention they were starting to attract.

"would you please move," he repeated stubbornly.

it was relatively easy for seongwoo to control most of his emotions, — _a natural actor_ , as minhyun likes to joke — but seongwoo's always had trouble dealing with frustration and anger. when the guy only scoffed, rolling his eyes, seongwoo felt his blood start to boil.

he opened his mouth, breathing in deeply and about to raise his voice to let all of his frustration out and possibly ruin his image for the rest of the year, when the classroom door opened again and the lecturer made himself known, asking for students who haven't taken their seats yet to settle down.

seongwoo looked around, mouth closing and lips whitening from how hard he pressed them against one another. he was the only one still standing.

it didn't take him a lot of effort to choose a seat several rows back after that, biting hard on his bottom lip when the girl he plopped down next to not so subtlety inched to the side, having probably witnessed the exchange.

the rest of the class seongwoo spent willing himself to calm down and focus on the lecture. he couldn't help but glare a few times at the back of the head of the asshole at his seat who seemed completely unbothered.

the fact that seongwoo couldn't see shit from the second to last row added to his anger, and for the rest of that day seongwoo was in the worst mood possible.

 

 

seongwoo mindlessly scrolls up and down his timeline, feeling suddenly uncomfortable because yes, he admits now, he overreacted. having a shitty mood doesn't excuse him from being an asshole to a complete stranger that hasn't done anything wrong, but seongwoo gets frustrated to this day when he thinks about how jaehwan (as he later found out the name) brushed him off. he hates when people don't pay attention to him when he needs it.

there is a whole spectre of uncomfortable emotions kim jaehwan gives seongwoo, and seongwoo prefers not to think about the reasoning behind his own feelings too much — he has no reason to, him and jaehwan barely interact.

seongwoo closes the twitter app and sighs, looking up and watching daniel finish their chicken in silence.

he looks funny with his face stuffed and it draws a smile out of seongwoo, but when there's a distinct laugh coming from the other side of the yard, seongwoo's scowl is back on its place.

_can't kim jaehwan shut up for once?_

"okay," daniel concludes, shoving the rest of their fries into his mouth and chewing soundly as he gets up from his seat, "you still up for pubg tonight?"

"yeah," seongwoo nods, helping daniel collect the trash as lazily as possible, "if sociology doesn't beat up my ass and leave me to bleed out and die in agony."

seongwoo makes a face. it's not the subject that will beat his ass, it's the stuck-up lecturer who for some reason thinks seongwoo is good for nothing, when obviously seongwoo is good for everything.

there's only two people ong seongwoo despises, and it's his sociology lecturer and kim jaehwan.

daniel snickers. _yeah, yeah, laugh at my misery_ , seongwoo thinks.

"see ya!" daniel waves goodbye, tossing their garbage into the nearest trash can, and seongwoo nods at him before looking down at his phone, shivering when the cold autumn air finds its way under his jacket.

  
  
  


 

 

seongwoo visibly winces, shifting weight from one leg to another not to aggravate the newly acquired blister. he regrets rushing out of his apartment without socks but there's no point in crying over spilled milk when he's almost done shopping anyway. he looks ahead, counting the people before him in line. his shoulders sag.

hard plastic handles of the heavy basket he's holding dig into his palm and seongwoo tries to readjust his grip, almost dropping the basket in the process because his hands are so uncomfortably sweaty. he thinks the a/c must be heating the place up at full blast since he's sweating while only wearing a t-shirt under his coat, and thanks the asshole responsible for contributing to the global warming.

seongwoo gets his phone out of his pocket to check the time, almost inaudibly huffing when he realizes he's been in the supermarket for way longer than planned. the new episode of his favorite drama airs at ten forty and it's already almost ten. at this point he'll have to waste his precious data to stream it on his phone. _stress come on._

seongwoo doesn't even know why there are so many people at the convenience store at this hour. there's a whole of four people in line before him, for god's sake. why did they all suddenly felt like shopping at the same time as seongwoo?

he glances up again he overhears the cashier wish one of the customers good night, the line finally moving, and almost drops his phone when he recognizes the side profile of a guy two persons before him.

it's, surprisingly, kim jaehwan. seongwoo unintentionally scowls, promptly looking away before he draws his attention. there's a sale on milk chocolate bars with Avengers on the packaging. seongwoo considers stepping out of the line to grab one, but decides against it when he looks behind himself to find an annoyed middle-aged man who _totally_ looks like a complete chode that would cut seongwoo in line dare he step one inch to the side. so, better not risk it.

seongwoo quickly diverts his eyes from the guy when he looks back at him, and, to his horror, meets a familiar pair of eyes in front of him instead. it's kim jaehwan, looking back at seongwoo with an unreadable expression on his face and a glint in his eyes that seongwoo thinks he must be imagining.

he's certainly recognized seongwoo, but his expression soon turns into an indifferent one and the glint disappears as if it was never there. seongwoo, for reason unknown, doesn't look away even when jaehwan breaks eye contact to stare at his phone.

there's a faint sense of deja vu.

 

at some point he does look away, somewhat bitter that jaehwan doesn't seem to care even one bit. seongwoo thinks it's rude of him not to greet seongwoo as his dongsaeng, but then reminds himself he didn't bother to say hi either — nice job at setting up an example. why does he care anyway?

the line moves slowly, but thankfully neither jaehwan nor the people after him don't seem to have that much stuff to scan.

 

seongwoo's mood goes up a bit as he watches the cashier skillfully ring up all his food when it's finally his turn, and imagines how he's going to get home, shove the food into the fridge, get himself a package of fish cakes and rot in front of his tv for the rest of the evening. little things bring the most joy.

seongwoo hands his card and quickly drops the checked out items back into the basket, almost dropping his empty backpack in the process. he tries to hurry up for the sake of people behind him and makes his way to the tables across the cash boxes once the cashier hands him his card back and they bid each other good night. he busies himself placing his food inside his backpack, leaving out a bottle of flavored vodka to sip on as he makes his way back to his place.

seongwoo almost groans out loud at the bone-crushing weight of his backpack when he finally hoists it up on his back, walking out of the grocery store into the darkness of late winter evening. it's dry and cold outside, no snow in sight on the twenty ninth of november. seongwoo touches one of his cheeks that immediately starts to feel like it's burning from such high contrast of temperatures.

 

he casually strolls to the bench near the exit and presses the cap of his bottle down on the edge of the armrest, cursing under his breath when he doesn't succeed on the first few tries. seongwoo grabs the bottle with his left hand, about to press from the other side of the cap, when he notices a figure appear next to him.

"having a hard time?" none other than kim jaehwan smirks, taking a swig from his own bottle, contents of which are unknown to seongwoo.

seongwoo looks up to him, eyebrows drawing together in both confusion and discomfort. why is jaehwan talking to him?

"i'm not," he says, stubbornly pushing down on the cap again and huffing when it won't budge.

he holds up the bottle to assert the damage and notices that everything he did was slightly bend the edge of the it. for a few moments he considers going back into the store to get a bottle opener but then decides against it. he has one at home already, and money doesn't grow on trees. if he just keeps trying —

"gimme that," jaehwan suddenly says, reaching out his hand.

seongwoo dumbly stares at his open palm for a few seconds before straightening up and handing jaehwan his bottle. he doesn't get to regret complying so easily when it's his enemy in front of him, before jaehwan quickly brings the bottle up to his mouth and elegantly opens the metal cap with his teeth.

seongwoo winces, pressing his tongue down on his own teeth to soothe the phantom pain, and accepts the now opened bottle, bowing in thanks just slightly. jaehwan tosses the cap into the trash can nearby and looks back at seongwoo like nothing unusual has happened.

 

seongwoo feels weird, the atmosphere clearly awkward yet not hostile. he can't say he hates it. but he _does_.

"thanks," seongwoo swallows, eyes lingering on jaehwan's pink cheeks for a split second before he looks at the ground and takes a sip of his vodka.

it tastes nice, his favorite lemon flavor refreshing on his tongue after a long day of studying and trying to deal with customers at the innisfree he slaves his life away at. he takes another sip and looks up only when jaehwan sighs audibly.

 

jaehwan is staring up, a smile gracing his lips as he breathes out into the cold winter air. seongwoo looks up too, but the stars are invisible from all the city lights and pollution. he wonders what jaehwan is looking at so wishfully.

_is he an idiot?_

"what a nice evening," jaehwan comments, taking another swig of his drink.

seongwoo hums noncommittally, wary of where the conversation is going. he's a bit uncomfortable to find himself drinking in front of a convenience store at ten pm with kim jaehwan out of all people as his company.

"it is," seongwoo replies after a short pause, holding onto the strap of his backpack.

it's heavy, and he wants to go home, but for some reason he stays still and patiently waits for jaehwan to say something. seongwoo doesn't like how the part of him that wants to actually have a chat with this… bastard is winning. jaehwan's pink cheeks are cute. it's almost pleasant to be with him like that, if seongwoo wasn't so damn uncomfortable. _and_ his drama is starting soon.

"impressive how life can majorly suck ass but then you have one nice evening and suddenly everything seems better than it is," jaehwan muses wondrously, drinking out of his bottle and looking to the side.

seongwoo, to say the least, is taken aback. jaehwan isn't wrong, but the fact that suddenly he opened his mouth to say something deep out of nowhere surprises seongwoo more. he didn't think the guy was actually dumb, but... why are they even talking about this?

before baffled seongwoo can even think of anything to reply with, jaehwan speaks up again.

"for example, i spent like a hundred thousand won on this super cool looking dildo, with vibration and bumps on the sides for, you know," jaehwan makes a gesture with his hand, the one not holding the bottle, and ignores the way seongwoo splutters and chokes on his vodka, "more pleasure, but the thing isn't worth shit. it barely works? i think i got a broken one or something. but, like, the weather's nice tonight. and this beer is dope. so whatever."

he finishes smoothly, emptying his beer and sighing contently, while seongwoo coughs so hard his eyes water. he wipes the vodka off his chin and covers his mouth, eyes shutting close as he tries to survive. his throat feels scratchy when he finally manages to take a life saving breath.

"you okay?" jaehwan asks, slamming his fist on seongwoo's upper back where the backpack doesn't cover it, until seongwoo grabs his forearm to stop him, letting go once jaehwan quits hitting him.

seongwoo recovers from his coughing fit and quickly wipes away the wetness on his eyelashes. he doesn't even know what to think. jaehwan's small rant was so absurd and random, it makes seongwoo want to laugh until he spits out both of his lungs. a dildo. does that mean jaehwan is gay? or did he find out seongwoo is, and is now making fun of him? seongwoo wouldn't put it past jaehwan.

the thought alone makes his blood boil. and who the fuck talks about things like that with someone that clearly dislikes them? not to mention, what kind of fucking dildo costs a whole _hundred thousand_ won?

seongwoo's temple starts to ache in an annoyingly familiar way.

"what the fuck," he bewilderedly states rather than asks, staring at jaehwan's smug face.

jaehwan fakes confusion, "what?"

seongwoo almost gapes, utterly destroyed by how casual jaehwan is. he unintentionally lets out a short laugh, voice rising an octave, and clears his throat right away. he looks down, embarrassed but trying not to show it.

"why did you feel like i needed to know that?" he asks sharply, picking at the sticker on his bottle with his nail to hide the mix of emotions he's experiencing.

"pft, who doesn't need to know that. what, do you feel weighed down by my burdens? ah, hyung," jaehwan gloats, "it's touching."

seongwoo scowls, bitterness filtering in. why does jaehwan think he can talk to him casually like that? like… like they're friends. it's not the joke that bothers seongwoo — hell, he wouldn't care if one of his friends said the same kind of crap, he'd laugh even. it's that kim jaehwan is so fuckign _dense_ and unable to tell that seongwoo would rather eat his own fist than listen to all of this. whatever 'it' is.

and apparently, the guy doesn't know what boundaries are either. shocking, truly. seongwoo's done here.

 

he gives jaehwan a look from under his eyebrows. it makes him feel childish but he can't bring himself to care.

"goodnight, jaehwan-sshi," he says, stepping around jaehwan and quickly down the short set of stairs leading to the store's entrance.

seongwoo doesn't look back, his lips twisting in distaste when jaehwan laughs loudly and wishes him goodnight as well.

it snows for the first time later that night.

  
  
  


 

 

seongwoo burps, muttering a slurred 'scuse me' into minhyun's shoulder.

"gross," minhyun grunts, pushing seongwoo's face away with his palm on seongwoo's cheek.

seongwoo whines, walking closer to him as they reach the bus stop, but soon lets go of him and skips forward, plopping down on the cold empty bench. he watches minhyun slip and almost fall face first on his way over, loud laughter bubbling out of him at the way minhyun's long limbs flail around as he tries to regain balance. the fact that minhyun is usually very graceful and doesn't do many excess movements — seongwoo suspects it's just one of those exceptional things minhyun is too lazy for — makes the scene even funnier.

seongwoo doesn't stop laughing even when his drunk perception skills fail him and he isn't fast enough to dodge minhyun's arm, getting a slap to the face with the back of minhyun's cold hand.

"fuck!" seongwoo curses, cackling even louder as he falls to the side, holding onto the bench for his dear life as the world around him starts to spin.

when minhyun finally manages to settle down as well, he steals his own hat off seongwoo's head and pretends to grumble angrily.

"shut uupppp," seongwoo slurs, laughter dying out as he presses his cheek against the cold surface of the bench. probably not the best idea. he'll blame it on excessive alcohol he's consumed tonight if he gets a pimple or a rash there tomorrow morning. bulletproof plan.

"you shut up," minhyun snorts, and there's that.

seongwoo sits up, leaning back onto the advert behind them, and looks up to the skies. it's snowing again, and the slow waltz of snowflakes looks really pretty in the warm light of the street lamp. it looks like a screencap of a music video. seongwoo spaces out, feeling peaceful amidst the chaos of cars rushing to and from on the road before them.

minhyun hits his arm suddenly.

"look, a bus," he says, nodding to the left.

seongwoo turns his head, straining his eyes to read the number on the front of the vehicle. it's not the one they need, but minhyun, that blind bat, probably can't even see.

"not ours," seongwoo mutters, leaning onto minhyun's shoulder and closing his eyes for a few long seconds.

his head is still spinning and his stomach hurts a bit from how full it is, but even that doesn't ruin how amazing seongwoo feels. he's glad he accepted minhyun's suggestion to go out and get shitfaced for no reason.

admittedly, seongwoo isn't the biggest drinker out of their friend circle. he does drink with daniel and sungwoon when they manage to find time for each other to hang out and knock down a few shots, but that doesn't happen as often now that sungwoon has a stable job for once in his life and daniel is busy both with his dance crew and thesis paper. and sucking woojin's face. and dick. seongwoo snorts.

 

"hey," minhyun nudges him.

seongwoo opens his eyes, looking up at minhyun questionably. his head feels heavy.

there's a mysterious smile on minhyun's face. "look," he mouths, nodding to their right.

seongwoo shifts his gaze to find a lone figure standing on the other side of the bus stop. it's a guy, a smoking cigarette in his mouth. somehow he manages to make that look attractive. seongwoo doesn't mean to stare, but the guy's face is really, _really_ pretty. seongwoo wonders if he's an idol or something, looking all tall and ideal and handsome and sexy just standing there.

seongwoo huffs. so unfair.

minhyun would hit him if seongwoo voiced that out loud, because, well, seongwoo is exactly that to most people. though seongwoo knows really damn well how ugly his face gets when he doesn't put makeup on and doesn't control it, and how his body is all bones and no meat under his clothes. seongwoo has been living in this bitch for twenty three years, he is fully aware that he doesn't look perfect when he's not trying.

the stranger turns his head to look at the road, not paying seongwoo nor minhyun any mind. seongwoo can see more of his face now, the plump lips around the cigarette, and how his hair forms a perfect wavy comma. seongwoo is jealous. no one looks better with comma hair than him. _ugh._ the guy's hair is of a pretty color too, clearly unnatural yet rich and pleasant to look at. maybe even soft to the touch. when it's not covered in hair spray, that is.

seongwoo giggles.

he slides closer to minhyun on the bench, turning away from the stranger to whisper into minhyun's ear.

"i would snack on that," he says quietly, failing at containing his laugh because of the ridiculousness of his own drunk words, and burying his face in the collar of minhyun's warm jacket.

minhyun giggles too, resting his head on seongwoo's.

"do you think he eats ass?" he asks, just as quiet, sighing dreamily.

seongwoo starts laughing because, wow, minhyun is _drunk_ , his hoe is showing.

"shut up," he says between laughter, looking back at the handsome stranger.

seongwoo wouldn't mind getting his ass eaten by that face any day. oof, _down boy_.

 

it's then when the stranger looks in their direction, intrigued by their drunk laughter. seongwoo and him establish eye contact for a second but seongwoo has to look away, knowing perfectly well not all guys want to be eye-fucked by another dude.

he stops laughing and minhyun's giggling dies out as well soon enough.

another bus comes by. it's not theirs, but handsome stranger's, and both minhyun and seongwoo follow it with their eyes as it drives away.

seongwoo hides his face in the collar of his coat and wishfully allows himself to imagine how it would be to kiss that guy. he then thinks about how he'd have to deal with the taste of cigarettes on his tongue and the image in his mind shutters in pieces like a broken glass.

seongwoo looks up at minhyun's face, and minhyun seems to be daydreaming as well. there's a dopey expression on his face that seongwoo almost opens his mouth to make fun of but then decides against it. minhyun just broke up with his ex, he deserves to dream about pretty guys in peace.

for some reason, seongwoo's thoughts shift to jaehwan. god, how seongwoo hates his face. and his stupid smirk. and his voice. he looks like a gremlin.

yet somehow seongwoo always finds it hard to look away.

"ugh," he groans out loud, looking up to the skies desperately.

"what," minhyun laughs, getting out of his daydream. it's nine in the evening. nightdream? eveningdream?

seongwoo rubs his right eye because it itches.

"kim jaehwan."

"wha' about him, mm?" minhyun asks, wrapping an arm around seongwoo's shoulder and leaning in close to hear him better.

seongwoo lets him.

"i hate him so much," seongwoo says and picks at the seam of his jeans.

minhyun hums, "so you've said before."

"yeah but i _hate_ him," he really, really does, "ihatehisstupidfacethemost."

seongwoo puffs his cheeks when minhyun starts laughing.

"what's so funny, eh?!"

"you sound like you're simultaneously in love and in denial," minhyun says, patting seongwoo's hair, "not the first time that's happened."

"i'm NOT in love with him," seongwoo insists, ignoring minhyun's comment, "i wouldn't even fuck him if he asked. _minhyunniiiee_ you can't even imagine how desperate i am to get dicked down i haven't been with anyone in yeeaars!"

he jumps on his butt and stomps his feet like a petulant child. he must be _real_ drunk to be saying this kind of bullshit out loud so shamelessly. it's not that he has much of it anyway when he's with minhyun, — shame, that is. minhyun's drunk but absolutely unfazed face just confirms that he doesn't care.

"what'd he even do to you?" he enquiries, sitting up straight and pulling seongwoo closer.

seongwoo makes a surprised sound, "i neva told you?"

"i don't think so... about what?"

"the first time i met the guy," seongwoo sighs, trying hard not to overthink his own actions for the thousandth time, "i had a piss-poor m-morning and the guy sat at my place durin' class... i sorta got really mad at him?.. but he acted like a total fucking dick to me i swear!"

minhyun doesn't say anything, waiting for seongwoo to continue.

"and i dunno, he's — he's just annoyiiing," seongwoo slurs, "he says a lot of dumb shit to his friends about uhh — how he gets casted by agents aaall the time on the streets, and how everyone wants a piece of his _ass_ , and oOHH how he's a me.. maestro of playing guitar."

seongwoo's frustration grows.

"he almost sounds like he's jokin'! which he is!?" he raises his voice, "but he seems to really believe in that crap! it pisses me thefuckoffthat he thinks he — he's _soo_ peeerfect."

"maybe he is joking..." minhyun mumbles, but seongwoo is way too winded up to listen to him.

"last week? was it... last week.. i went to the grocery store and that asshole was there. can you even imagine what he said to me!" seongwoo gets out of minhyun's loose hold on him and turns to meet his eyes, "he talked about a fuckin' dildo he got! and how it doesn't work! who even says that shit? how can a dildo not work?"

minhyun pats his back, concerned but not questioning. maybe it magically makes sense to him, who knows.

"here, here," he giggles.

seongwoo grunts, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees, head hung low. it's dangerous for his nerves to think about kim jaehwan.

he whines, feeling utterly destroyed, "i hate how i can't tell wassup with him... how i keep thinkin' about him even when i'm at home...why do i even..."

he trails off and shuts his mouth closed, chewing on his bottom lip. it's quiet for some time between them. seongwoo doesn't make a move to sit up straight. his head spins.

"is all this even a..." minhyun starts, urging seongwoo to turn his head to look at him, "solid enough reason to hate him?"

seongwoo wants to bite minhyun.

"i want to bite you _reeaaaal_ hard right now minhyunnie," he says.

minhyun brings up his forearm to seongwoo's face, offering to take a bite, but seongwoo slaps it away.

 

he thinks about what minhyun said. is it really? is it worth to hold a grudge against someone he sees once a week at max? it's been so many weeks since jaehwan pissed him off the first time they met face-to-face. seongwoo has dealt with annoying people before, he even dated an annoying ass guy back in freshman year.

jaehwan isn't that annoying. yeah, he might not know that you don't joke around with people you barely know like you would with your friends but… _was he even joking back then?_

seongwoo breathes out, going cross-eyed as he looks at the cloud of steam in front of his face. he's not sure about anything anymore and it makes him uneasy.

he thinks he already knows the answer, but nothing changes the fact that kim jaehwan still annoys the living hell out of him.

"nah," he admits anyway because there's no point in lying to minhyun, who knows him as well as seongwoo knows the angles of lee jongsuk's face — he's been staring at pictures of it for too long these past few weeks.

"so what's the deal? just forget about him then," minhyun suggests.

seongwoo doesn't get to think of a reply, since it's then when their bus finally arrives.

minhyun shoves at his shoulder to make him get up, "c'mon, lover boy."

"'m not," seongwoo grumbles, searching his pockets for his t-money card.

 

they settle down in the back of the mostly empty bus, minhyun leaning onto seongwoo as seongwoo leans onto the cold window. he stares outside, lights from all the shops and cars blending together the less focused his eyes get. he forgets about jaehwan completely.

"seongwoo-ya," minhyun calls after a few minutes of comfortable silence.

"mmh?" seongwoo hums, eyes closing on themselves.

"you wouldn't mind sleeping with me, right? i still haven't bought a new couch."

seongwoo chuckles, turning to drape his arm around minhyun's shoulders and kiss his temple, ignoring the woman in her thirties sitting across from them and the look she sends in their direction.

"of course not, minhyunnie," he mumbles, sleep suddenly overtaking him.

  
  
  


 

 

"guanlinnie doesn't actually need me, but, you know, he's nervous," seongwoo explains, pushing the door of ediya coffee open.

"ah," jonghyun makes a sound behind him, stepping inside as well and almost colliding with seongwoo's back.

there's a big line across the whole cafe right until the entrance, and seongwoo sighs. he doesn't know what he was hoping for — it's break and they're in for the cheapest coffee in less than ten minutes away from their university. he thinks he sees a few familiar faces milling around, but doesn't bother greeting anyone since it's too busy and he's with jonghyun anyway.

"that's really nice of you, seongwoo-ya," jonghyun says in that genuine, gentle tone of his, patting seongwoo's shoulder as they find their place in line.

seongwoo tries not to blush. it's _kim jonghyun_ praising him, after all. it always feels a bit nicer when it's him who's proud of you.

"yeah, well, i'm nice like that," he says nonchalantly, flinging a friendly arm around jonghyun's shoulders and grinning down at him.

jonghyun humors seongwoo, making a kissy face at him before he gets embarrassed and turns away, laughing behind his hand. seongwoo's smile brightens at the sight. he lets go of jonghyun, getting his phone out of the inner pocket of his coat while they wait for their turn to order, standing close to each other so not to be in the way.

it's noisy in the cafe and seongwoo easily accepts one of the earbuds when jonghyun hands it to him. he makes a pleased sound when he recognizes the song as _sleepless rainy night_ , one of his favorites.

"as always, our kim jonghyun with impeccable taste in everything, even in music," he says, getting an exasperated look from jonghyun.

he starts humming along under his breath as he sees a notification about a new picture from an idol he secretly — not so, everyone knows — likes and opens up instagram.

 

he doesn't notice how the door chimes behind them, too busy liking new posts of a japanese photographer he follows and thinking devastatingly sad thoughts about how he's too broke to travel, nor does he notice someone standing behind them in line until jonghyun exclaims excitedly, turning to face whoever he sees and both of the earbuds falling out of their ears at the abrupt movement.

"hyunbinnie!" jonghyun calls, making seongwoo look up from his phone as he barely manages to catch the headphones before they fall to the ground.

jonghyun steps into the embrace of a familiar looking guy, muttering something into his sweater that seongwoo is sure even the owner of it cannot hear.

seongwoo squints at the _hyunbinnie_ jonghyun is hugging, trying to place from where he knows his face. he's definitely from their university because seongwoo remembers pretty faces well, and the dude looks like he could be a model. maybe he is one.

it clicks when seongwoo shifts his gaze to look at the figure standing next to the guy, instantly recognizing the ever-so agonizing face of kim jaehwan.

"haven't seen you around in a while!" jonghyun says, pulling back to look hyunbin over like he's his long lost son.

the guy laughs, smiling down at jonghyun like you would smile at your mother. _yeah, jonghyun has that effect on people_ , seongwoo thinks, a lazy smirk spreading on his lips. he's dutifully ignoring jaehwan's whole existence.

"hyung, that's because you study too much," the guy says in a deep voice that doesn't suit his face at all.

jonghyun laughs, letting go of him when the line moves a bit as four of them step forward. seongwoo wishes they were less people at the cafe because he doesn't really fancy spending much time in such close proximity to his enemy number one, especially considering the fact that at some point he'll be kind of forced to acknowledge his presence if he doesn't want to be rude. jonghyun wouldn't approve and seongwoo likes to please way too much.

"nonsense," jonghyun says, "it's just you who doesn't study as much as you need to."

hyunbin groans, rubbing his nape in embarrassment and looking away from jonghyun. now he looks like he's being scolded by his mother. seongwoo sort of relates.

 

seongwoo shifts his gaze from the guy to glance at jaehwan almost unconsciously, flinching just a bit when he finds the gremlin already looking straight into his eyes, somehow managing to look nonchalant as shit and not intense even one bit despite his unwavering gaze. seongwoo's lips straighten.

it's the first time seongwoo has thought about jaehwan, or, well, _seen_ him, since he and minhyun got drunk the previous saturday, last hours of which seongwoo might have or might have not spent futilely contemplating his emotions and fruitlessly sorting his feelings until all the alcohol in his system won over and he knocked off, snoring into minhyun's thankfully clothed and dry armpit.

he vaguely remembers the outcome of those contemplations, if there was one at all, but seeing jaehwan so soon catches seongwoo off guard nonetheless. he doesn't know how to feel now, frustrated because so far jaehwan hasn't said a single word which seongwoo could justify his mild annoyance with.

that's the first time he's looking for an actual reason, and, _to be honest?_ he doesn't like where all of this is going. he would prefer for it not to go anywhere at all.

jaehwan opens his mouth.

_oh, here it is._

"hey, hyung," he says, a corner of his mouth tugging up in a what seongwoo deems mocking manner.

seongwoo scoffs, scolding his expression in a feigned cheerful one before jaehwan can make any comments.

"good afternoon," he smiles venomously at jaehwan and looks down at his phone to escape the awkwardness while hyunbin and jonghyun are animatedly chatting away about their own business right next to them.

it doesn't take long after that for jonghyun to notice it's only him and hyunbin talking.

"ah, seongwoo, excuse me. let me introduce you to my good friend, hyunbin, he's a freshman," he says, placing a guiding hand on hyunbin's back, "hyunbin, this is ong seongwoo."

hyunbin bows awkwardly.

"sunbaenim," he greets.

"pleasure to meet you, hyunbin," seongwoo smiles pleasantly, inclining his head as well.

jonghyun turns to point at jaehwan, "and this is — "

"i know him," seongwoo interrupts, meeting jaehwan's eyes again.

"yeah," jaehwan agrees, smirking at jonghyun before looking back into seongwoo's eyes, "we know each other."

for some reason his smirk looks less hostile when it's not pointed at seongwoo. or is it just him?

"aah, okay," jonghyun smiles, and he and hyunbin get back to their conversation after a short pause.

 

seongwoo has no intention of talking to jaehwan, even when the line moves and they get separated from hyunbin and jonghyun, standing right behind them shoulder to shoulder. seongwoo inches away so they won't touch.

"if i remember correctly, you were behind us in line," he chimes, not looking away from his instagram feed though there's nothing particularly interesting on there.

seongwoo can live without another picture of daniel making a what he presumes sexy face at the camera. why doesn't he send those pics straight to woojin? it's not like he's nonchalant or cool anyway in his way of seducing woojin, not to mention that woojin doesn't need any more seducing in the first place.

"i'm sure jonghyun hyung doesn't mind," jaehwan chuckles, his parka ruffling as he reaches behind himself to take something out of his backpack.

seongwoo side eyes him. he doesn't really have a comeback because he knows for a fact jonghyun does not mind.

"whatever," he says lamely, scrolling past daniel's newly posted selfie with rooney — or is it peter? seongwoo never bothered to learn their names; they're _cats_ , seongwoo doesn't care about cats — only to find another of him lying in his bed.

seongwoo tsks, and flinches when jaehwan brusquely leans to look at the screen too.

"if only his dick was as big as his ego," jaehwan says flatly, zipping his backpack once he gets his wallet out.

a laugh bubbles out of seongwoo before he can suppress it, and he covers his mouth with the back of his hand, eyes wide. _what the fuck._

"oh my god," jaehwan says, and seongwoo hates himself for looking at him.

the expression on his face is positively ecstatic, like seongwoo laughing at his joke is the best thing that's happened to him in years. seongwoo thinks he should be flattered, but all he feels is embarrassment.

"oh my god you _LAUGHED_ , YOU _LOVE_ ME!" he says unnecessarily loud, drawing attention of jonghyun and hyunbin as well as a few people around them.

seongwoo is horrified when he feels his cheekbones color.

"i don't, what the fuck," he says, meeting jonghyun's laughing eyes and trying to hold himself back from hitting him. or jaehwan. or himself.

thankfully, jonghyun doesn't say anything and turns away, a hand on hyunbin's shoulder so hyunbin doesn't pay them any mind either.

jaehwan opens his mouth but seongwoo is faster.

"how do you know his dick is small anyway, i thought he hides that especially well," he says before he can suppress the urge to make fun of daniel as well, looking down at the poor, _poor_ guy smiling at him from his phone.

jaehwan laughs earnestly, in that annoyingly loud pitchy way of his that even seongwoo cannot imitate. seongwoo hides his smile by biting down on his lip and tries not to feel pleased. he cannot help but sneak a peek at jaehwan's face.

"woojin told me, that bastard," jaehwan wipes an imaginary tear off his eyelashes.

"bitch, please, he wouldn't," seongwoo rolls his eyes, freezing suddenly, "wait, you know woojin?"

"um," jaehwan says obtusely, meeting seongwoo's eyes, "yeah? he's my friend's little bro."

"what," seongwoo stares.

the line moves and they're forced to shuffle forward when a lady behind them coughs. seongwoo quickly bows to her and apologizes, and jaehwan parrots.

"do YOU know him?" he asks suddenly, counting his money.

seongwoo stares at his fingers with long fingernails — _right, he's a guitarist_ — moving around the change in his other palm.

"i'm best friends with daniel," seongwoo says, suddenly acutely aware of how they're chatting like they're friends or something. brr.

"ah. makes sense," jaehwan nods, pouring the rest of the coins back inside his wallet and looking ahead to squint at the menu.

seongwoo looks down, noticing how jaehwan has to stand on his tiptoes to see the board over all the heads before them. _um._

jaehwan stands back on his heels, dusting off his parka indifferently as they move forward in line again. something urges seongwoo to look jaehwan over then, and he has to physically bite on his bottom lip to stop a stupid train of thought when he notices just how shorter jaehwan is compared to him — he's not _that_ shorter, but the difference is noticeable when they stand so close to each other. kim jaehwan is not cute, god damn it.

 

"seongwoo?" jonghyun calls suddenly.

seongwoo breathes out, thankful for the distraction.

"sup?" he asks, feigning innocence just in case.

"do you have three hundred won i could borrow?" jonghyun's tone is uncomfortable, like he's asking for too much. seongwoo smiles at him reassuringly.

"sure, i have — "

"ah!" jaehwan suddenly exclaims, interrupting seongwoo and reaching for his wallet again.

seongwoo stops in his tracks.

"here," jaehwan gets out a few coins and hands them to jonghyun.

"thanks jaehwannie," jonghyun smiles, patting jaehwan's arm, "i'll give it back to you through hyunbinnie."

"it's alright hyung, don't bother," jaehwan waves him off, getting a pat to the hair as well when jonghyun finally decides to drop it.

seongwoo swallows the lump in his throat, unlocking his phone to somehow occupy himself.

the line moves again, and they're the next ones to order.

 

kim jaehwan isn't supposed to be nice. kim jaehwan is supposed to be a dumb asshole who only cares for himself. and he's not supposed to be funny enough to make seongwoo laugh. _that_ was so embarrassing.

seongwoo doesn't remember the last time he's felt this uncomfortable, even despite the fact that he's the only one who knows about how he was just proven wrong. he scowls, inching away from the line just a bit.

he suddenly feels like being alone. he ignores it, whatever _it_ is, wiping away a stain on the screen of his phone.

 

" —ngwoo. seongwoo?" jonghyun's voice filters in.

seongwoo whips his head up.

oh, it's their turn to order.

"a large caramel macchiato, please," he steps closer and smiles at the bartender, ignoring the look jonghyun is sending him.

they move to the waiting area once they all separately pay for their drinks, jaehwan the last one to order his chai tea latte.

"who orders tea in a coffee shop," seongwoo scoffs, just to get a rinse out of jaehwan.

"someone who doesn't want to die at young age," jaehwan chirps in reply, smiling at seongwoo as he hands the cashier his money, "unlike you."

"not to be that guy, but study shows that coffee actually lowers risk of early death, but go off," seongwoo says, moving to stand next to jonghyun and missing the look jaehwan sends him.

honestly speaking, seongwoo pegged jaehwan as a coffee drinker, with him being overly energetic and all. _well_ , maybe it's just his mouth that is overly energetic because seongwoo is yet to see jaehwan jump around like a dumbass, the way seongwoo sees jihoon and woojin do when he happens to hang out with them.

whatever, it's not like seongwoo cares about jaehwan's tastes in beverages. or anything at all to begin with.

"you guys get along, huh?" jonghyun asks him quietly when hyunbin gets distracted with his phone.

seongwoo pulls a face, choosing not to respond because it's then when jaehwan joins them.

 

 

seongwoo listens to them discuss a band they all like (or is it an idol group?), spacing out as he twists his phone in his hand and tries to think about something that isn't his feelings.

someone nudges his side then, urging him to look up.

it's jaehwan.

"what," seongwoo asks flatly.

"so, what, you can't die from too much coffee? i thought it messes up your body the more you drink?" he questions, looking at seongwoo's face as if he doesn't have anything else to stare at.

"don't be stupid, of course you'll die if you chug gallons of it every hour," seongwoo rolls his eyes, "but a cup or two a day won't kill you."

jaehwan hums.

seongwoo squirms under his gaze for some reason. seongwoo is used to attention, seongwoo _likes_ attention, especially from men, but with jaehwan everything feels somehow different. good or bad, he doesn't know.

"good to know, i guess. it still tastes nasty," jaehwan concludes before the pause gets too long.

seongwoo gives him a weird look. what was even the point of that conversation? is jaehwan making small talk to make it less awkward for them or something? how chivalrous of him.

they get their drinks and part ways, hyunbin and jaehwan already done with their day, jonghyun heading to the library to cram for an upcoming test and only seongwoo left alone to suffer in the long ass wednesday lecture on personality.

the small, friendly and shockingly sincere smile jaehwan sends in seongwoo's direction stays on seongwoo's mind for the rest of the day.

  
  
  
  


 

 

seongwoo is at the cafeteria, shoving the stale sandwich he got from a vending machine into his mouth as he reads his history of psychology book, when he suddenly hears youngmin's voice.

"seongwoo!" he calls, making seongwoo look up in surprise and almost spill his grapefruit juice over his notes.

"oh, hey," seongwoo greets, a bit dazed.

"whatcha reading?" youngmin asks, unceremoniously plopping on a chair across seongwoo, cafeteria lunch on his brown tray.

"history of psychology," seongwoo says, moving his book to make place on the small table.

youngmin makes a face, "boring."

"you're a history major," seongwoo snorts and nods at the tray, "how do you eat that crap? last i checked all cafeteria food tasted like plastic."

youngmin pops a radish in his mouth, "your news source is outdated. they hired new staff at the kitchen."

"eh."

there's a pause.

"can i help you or are you here just to bask in the rays of my glory?" he asks when youngmin doesn't say anything, too busy stuffing his mouth with rice.

youngmin makes another face, "ong, you ever think you give yourself too much credit?"

"no, but i think others don't give me enough credit," seongwoo retorts, drinking the last of his juice soundly as he stares youngmin off.

youngmin clenches his fist and pretends to aim a blow at seongwoo. seongwoo flinches to the side, almost falling off his chair in the process.

"HAHAHA," youngmin cackles, grains of rice shooting everywhere because he's a pig. seongwoo scowls.

"don't be fucking nasty," he scolds, moving his notes and textbook closer to him.

they calm down after that. seongwoo tries to focus on his book but gives up on it when he understands nothing after reading the same paragraph for the fourth time, youngmin's chewing too damn distracting. he closes his book and shoves it inside his trusty bag with a sigh, sending his notes and pens after the cursed _history of psychology_.

"giving up already?" youngmin inquires, polishing off his soup bowl.

seongwoo fakes despair, "how come you're this annoying only with me?"

"because you're fun to annoy, duh," youngmin indifferently replies, sucking on the end of his chopsticks.

 

like on cue, there's a laugh across the cafeteria.

seongwoo pipes up, looking around to find the source, and soon enough sees jaehwan sitting next to a few friends of his seongwoo doesn't know. he thinks he's seen one of them in one of his lectures but it doesn't help much. seongwoo is a social butterfly, yes, but he cannot possibly know _everyone_. a mistake on his part — networking helps out a bunch when you're a struggling student, but seongwoo gets lazy. talking to people can be tiring.

"oh," curious, youngmin turns to look as well before going back to his food, "lover boy's here too."

"lover boy?" seongwoo asks, looking away from jaehwan hitting his friend's arm. he looks like he's being annoying. he probably is.

"yeah, didn't the guy have a crush on you?" youngmin says, raising a brow.

seongwoo takes a second to process the thought.

"what," he laughs nervously. youngmin is definitely talking about jaehwan... right?

youngmin looks up from his food, "what."

the way he looks at seongwoo, surprised, as if what he said is common knowledge and seongwoo is being the weird one, is quite unsettling to say the least. seongwoo swallows.

"a crush on me?" he questions carefully.

"yeah. you didn't know? i thought you knew, he doesn't seem like he's very... discreet with his feelings."

"haha," seongwoo feels a phantom bead of sweat run down his temple, "that's literally the first time i've ever heard about it."

"oh," youngmin looks as uncomfortable as seongwoo feels, "wait, did i just tell you something you weren't supposed to know?"

now what the hell does _that_ mean.

"what do you mean?" seongwoo asks, not letting the panic seep into his voice. though, what he feels is less like panic and more like something along the lines of _what the actual fucking hell is going on._

"umm..." youngmin picks at his food, "you know how i hang out with donghyun and sewoon a lot, right?"

seongwoo nods when youngmin glances up to him.

"we were drinking once and sewoon asked us if his friend could join, and me and donghyun were like, hell, why not. it turned out to be jaehwan. he's a decent guy, but damn," youngmin shakes his head, "he can't drink to save his life. he started venting about how much he's in love with your dumb face like less then two hours since the first drink."

seongwoo shifts on his seat. youngmin is _definitely_ talking about jaehwan.

youngmin continues, "i didn't know for sure if he had feelings for you but i've noticed how he looks at you sometimes when we all happen to be at the same place. looks like a dude in love to me. his drunk whining just confirmed it."

 

now, that's... news. shocking news. seongwoo cannot quite believe youngmin is actually saying all of that. if jaehwan is so obvious, then how come seongwoo never noticed him looking? how come every time they meet eyes is because seongwoo doesn't look away fast enough? what the fuck is going on? seongwoo wants to scream.

youngmin notices his distress because apparently seongwoo lets his facade slip.

"you okay, man?" he leans forward and puts a hand on seongwoo's shoulder.

"ah, yeah..." seongwoo says. he shakes his head, scolding his expression into a neutral one before youngmin can question him further.

they might not be the closest friends, but they've been buds since freshman year — youngmin knows him.

"i'm good," seongwoo smiles at him until youngmin drops it.

seongwoo looks behind him at jaehwan. jaehwan isn't paying him any mind, chatting with his friends and laughing from time to time. seongwoo notices he's not eating for some reason and wonders why is that. he looks away before jaehwan notices, confused and uncomfortable.

 

it's hard to believe jaehwan _likes_ him. sure, he wasn't exactly hostile that one time seongwoo was forced to talk to him at the coffee shop, but that doesn't mean jaehwan doesn't share the same feelings. seongwoo would be weirded out if their first encounter didn't make jaehwan dislike him at least a bit.

seongwoo remains visibly calm as he unwraps the rest of his sandwich, but god knows he doesn't feel at peace at all. he cannot see the end of the string of questions he keeps asking himself, doubting his own perception skills and overthinking his past actions, analyzing every word of all of his conversations with jaehwan that he still remembers.

frustration grows and before seongwoo knows it, his mood is completely ruined. this isn't the first time kim jaehwan ruins his day, and seongwoo is sure it won't be the last one.

when seongwoo gets over himself not realizing that jaehwan has feelings for him, he finds it utterly ridiculous that he even cares about jaehwan's supposed crush. he wonders, if youngmin hasn't told him, would he notice it? would he catch jaehwan staring one day? how is jaehwan obvious when —

 

"yo, seongwoo?" youngmin calls.

seongwoo stuffs the rest of his tasteless sandwich inside his mouth and asks, voice muffled, "yeah?"

"what's your next class?" youngmin gets up from his seat and picks up his tray.

seongwoo swallows his food and snorts, "well, before you so rudely interrupted me, i was studying for my social psych test that is literally in ten minutes, THAT i will definitely fail now thanks to you…"

youngmin rolls his eyes, his entire demeanor giving away just how done he is with seongwoo, "come on, asshole, i'll walk you to your demise."

seongwoo grins and gets up, collecting his trash in one hand and picking up his bag with another.

"what a gentleman," he snickers, dodging youngmin's half-hearted swing at him.

  
  
  


 

 

it's after youngmin tells seongwoo about jaehwan's crush on him that seongwoo starts noticing jaehwan more. at first, it's almost unconscious — looking around their shared lecture hall, or cafeteria, or the yard, or even the coffee shop.

 

the only class they share is human behavior, but even despite that, when seongwoo pays close attention, it's not that hard to notice jaehwan around the campus. plus, jaehwan doesn't seem to be aware about seongwoo knowing something, therefore nothing changes in his behavior.

seongwoo wonders, though, if jaehwan is obvious with his crush, then he must be staring at seongwoo when seongwoo doesn't notice, so does that mean jaehwan knows that seongwoo seeks him out but chooses to ignore it?

at first, after seongwoo notices that instead of looking down at his phone, or book, or at his friends (if he happens to have company), he looks around to find jaehwan with his eyes, it annoys him. he doesn't understand why exactly he's doing that. maybe he's hoping to catch jaehwan staring one day, or maybe he wants jaehwan to feel _seongwoo_ staring and meet his eyes at least once, or maybe... seongwoo just doesn't know. for the first time in his life — maybe not the first, but the third or the fourth for sure — seongwoo cannot understand his own feelings.

when he tries to get his facts straight, his thought process goes something like that:

jaehwan is annoying. seongwoo doesn't like him. he frustrates seongwoo, because he's rude, and loud, and tries to be funny too hard. there's a possibility he was toying with seongwoo that one time at the coffee shop, because his exceptional friendliness was awfully suspicious. or maybe he just didn't want to upset jonghyun and his friend? either way there was no chance jaehwan wasn't aware that seongwoo isn't his biggest fan, considering seongwoo has been pretty shite at keeping a straight face around jaehwan.

there's still the fact that he let jonghyun borrow his money even though seongwoo knows for sure they're not friends — they probably are nothing more that acquaintances to each other, aware of one another's existence only thanks to hyunbin. not that it was a grand gesture or anything — giving jonghyun some change, — but the guy can't be a complete asshole. after all, jonghyun was asking _seongwoo_ for money, not jaehwan.

which then makes him think:

_if he's crushing on me, did he just do that to appear in a good light?_

and then seongwoo wonders, when did jaehwan's crush even start?

seongwoo wasn't aware of jaehwan's existence before that one time jaehwan took his seat, and to be completely honest, he still doesn't know where jaehwan came from. maybe he's always been a student at seongwoo's university, and seongwoo just hasn't paid any attention to him, until he did because... well, because he was annoyed, he guesses. if that's true, then there's a possibility jaehwan has been crushing on seongwoo for a long time, and the thought makes seongwoo so uncomfortable he feels physically ill.

 

having someone crush on him is a familiar experience. seongwoo's always been the loud one among his school friends, and throughout his however short life seongwoo has been in so many friend circles he cannot possibly remember all the faces of the people he once used to hang out with.

he guesses it was his face that did all the work in making people fall in love with him once they noticed him, so it wasn't weird for seongwoo to receive confessions and little gifts of affection from girls that found him attractive, nor it was weird to be told some shy junior likes him in _that_ way.

he would reject some admirers and date others, and it was mostly fun. to hug, to kiss, to hold hands, to be affectionate with someone in a way you wouldn't be affectionate with friends. it has never been serious.

until a boy crushed on him.

 

it was seongwoo's last year of highschool. he was single at that moment, having broken up with another girl because they didn't click.

it was a chinese boy from a lower grade, with korean name kim yongguk. he confessed to seongwoo after his physical education class, in the changing room when everyone has already left except for seongwoo who got held back by the teacher. yongguk didn't seem that bothered by the fact that he was confessing to his crush, face calm and neutral, but it wasn't what freaked seongwoo out — they both were boys.

he doesn't remember what was going on inside his head at the time. he remembers being scared, and worried, and weirded out a bit, but there wasn't even a hint of disgust in him that he'd used to see in his classmates' eyes whenever the topic became about _those_ — gay — people. something pushed him to ask if yongguk wanted to date him, maybe because he was curious, maybe because he liked the way yongguk approached him — nonchalantly, as if he didn't really care if seongwoo rejected him.

seongwoo still hasn't the slightest clue why yongguk agreed to date him despite knowing seongwoo was straight (seongwoo doesn't believe that somehow yongguk _knew_ ), but he did, and that's how they became an item. it was hard to get used to it, because while he could cuddle with his girlfriends around their friends and hold hands on walks and do all the fun stuff, with yongguk he was never able to cross that line. he had to relearn dating, and once he did, everything suddenly made sense.

how he never really crushed on any of the girls he dated, how he wouldn't get a sudden boner when hugging someone with breasts like his friends would, how seongwoo never really gave any of his relationships any thought and simply dated those he found interesting and pleasant to be around.

with yongguk it was different. yongguk would make him nervous, yongguk would make seongwoo want to make out until their lips hurt, yongguk would make seongwoo want to talk about him to his own friends. yongguk gave him boners, and seongwoo's first time was with him, and it felt amazing.

it was after that the realization actually hit him, and seongwoo freaked out. he was never as religious as his parents — he went to the church, pretended to pray with everybody, was even part of the church's choir of a few years of middle school, but he never _believed_. his parents did, however, and seongwoo was perfectly aware of how they didn't approve of "the gay lifestyle". on top of that, he was about to graduate, and the pressure to study for exams, to find a college, to keep all his friends in-between locking himself up in his room with yongguk and cramming every single subject, to keep up the image of a straight guy when suddenly men became so, so much more interesting to him; it all felt too much. he broke up with yongguk by making up a shitty excuse about graduating soon, stopped hanging out with his friends until they were nothing more than acquaintances, and studied until he couldn't see straight.

it paid off, and he guesses he made his parents proud, but after graduation, when he was left alone with his thoughts, everything just became worse.

if someone asked seongwoo what was the worst time of his life, he would say it was his gap year than then turned into two. he had to analyze himself to the bones, and with no one by his side that would share his struggles, seongwoo really didn't have the best mindset. he busied himself with doing all sorts of jobs he could, but it never helped him feel better. that's why it was hard for him to make friends in college, but he ended up befriending daniel, and with daniel came the rest.

 

so it's not the fact that jaehwan might have been crushing on him for months. it's the fact that jaehwan has known about him long before seongwoo noticed jaehwan.

and seongwoo, for the love of god, cannot figure out why the thought is stressing him out so much. none of his psychology knowledge is paying off and seongwoo tries to blame it on the educational system, but he's always found it hard to apply his knowledge to real life situations where he himself was involved — it's not easy to distance himself from it.

 

seongwoo doesn't expect it when it happens, and it almost startles him when he looks up from his textbook to meet a pair of familiar eyes boring into him from the other side of university's modest library. jaehwan's eyes widen in surprise, and that's probably the first time seongwoo has seen him so uncomposed. his expression changes from surprised to delighted before seongwoo can blink however, and seongwoo swears he will kill kim jaehwan when the guy dares to wink at him, a lopsided smile on his lips.

seongwoo looks down at his book, clenching the hard cover until his knuckles turn white. to his own horror, having jaehwan so smoothly wink at him translates into seongwoo getting embarrassed. he curses jaehwan. whenever seongwoo tries to wink, he just ends up blinking, how is that fair?

 

seongwoo isn't only embarrassed and horrified by the fact that he's embarrassed, but there's also annoyance, because kim jaehwan is impossible, and joy, because seongwoo finally, _finally_ managed to catch him staring.

he doesn't know what now though, seongwoo realizes, not even pretending to read his textbook anymore as he stares at the letters until his vision gets blurred because he hasn't blinked once for the past minute. he can't feel jaehwan's eyes on him anymore and that makes him wonder if jaehwan forgot about him or left the library altogether. for some reason seongwoo finds it hard to look up, so he just keeps his head down and thinks.

well, this proves nothing except that jaehwan pays attention to him as well. seongwoo didn't just happen to look up, he _felt_ jaehwan's gaze on him. does this mean jaehwan is pining over him? no, of course it doesn't, and somehow seongwoo feels disappointed out of all things, because after carefully watching jaehwan for almost five days he still has no clue if his crush on seongwoo is a real thing.

seongwoo knows that youngmin has no interest in lying to him about such things, not to mentioned that he looked and sounded sincere, but — seongwoo will believe it when he sees it. and so far he's only noticed how jaehwan's face looks more polished outside of the early human behavior class — which makes seongwoo think that jaehwan wears makeup, — that he has a cute mole on the base of his neck, usually hangs out with hyunbin, sewoon and a freshman seongwoo doesn't know, and plays the guitar awfully well. maybe he really is a maestro. is it why his nails are so long? to play better?

there's a thought that seongwoo always pushes to the back of his mind because it stresses him out the most: he sort of wishes he could spend time around jaehwan. just to study him, nothing else, because all seongwoo can do is observe from the other side of the room, and it isn't enough. seongwoo doesn't need to know how concerned jaehwan looks when one of his friends is visibly stressed, or how unintentionally winks when laughing too hard, or how he closes his eyes when playing guitar, or how his voice sounds when he sings. angelic, if you ask seongwoo, but he won't tell you that.

he just wants to see how jaehwan reacts to him. he wants... to talk to jaehwan, maybe, because now seongwoo is willing to admit that despite the fact that jaehwan irks him, he's bearable. he's not that bad at all, at least from the side, and the last time they communicated they didn't end up fighting — verbally, of course, seongwoo would die if he had to punch somebody even if was jaehwan, — so that must mean they can do as much as talk to each other just fine.

 

maybe, seongwoo allows himself to think, if the circumstances were different, they'd be friends.

  
  
  
  


 

 

seongwoo finally catching jaehwan staring does something. all of a sudden, there is considerably more kim jaehwan in seongwoo's life.

in the lecture hall, at the cafeteria, in the yard, hell, even in ediya.

the second time seongwoo went into the human behavior classroom after The Incident, jaehwan has been sitting in one of the first rows, closer to the window. he stayed in that area after that, even when his seat happened to be taken by another student. seongwoo was perfectly fine with not having kim jaehwan in his range of view.

but when he gets to his human behavior class on thursday, a bit later than normal due to his own laziness (really though, can you blame him? he had to get up at seven am. seongwoo is a creature of the night), he finds kim jaehwan somewhere where he didn't expect him to be.

at first seongwoo thinks that the asshole took seongwoo's own seat, again, but when he comes closer, it becomes clear that it's not the case. it doesn't make seongwoo feel at ease anyhow, because apparently jaehwan is going to be sitting right next to him for three whole hours, and he's got to have wicked intentions — his own seat is free, even though most of their classmates have already settled down.

however, seongwoo doesn't want to argue out of nowhere because he's already running on low energy, so he just sits down and busies himself with getting his notebook and pens out of his bag.

"good morning, hyung," jaehwan chirps next to him when seongwoo doesn't greet him, urging seongwoo to glance up.

seongwoo blinks and looks at jaehwan, eyes lingering on the mole on his neck for a second too long before he looks up to jaehwan's gremlin face, "good morning to you too."

"how are you doing these days?" jaehwan asks like he means it, like he's genuinely interested in how seongwoo is feeling that particular morning.

it takes seongwoo by surprise.

"...fine," he replies before the pause gets awkward, "and how are you?"

jaehwan twists the pencil in his hand.

"a bit upset," he says in a way that suggests he wants seongwoo to ask why.

seongwoo doesn't see why he wouldn't question it, even though he knows for sure he's just falling into jaehwan's stupid trap like the fool he is.

"still hung up on that dildo?" he jokes out of nowhere, finding it weird how easy it is to say something like that to jaehwan. that particular interaction of theirs still bothers seongwoo — he doesn't know what to think of it — but what's a better way to cope with something than make jokes? he doesn't show that he's weirded out by his own words, looking at jaehwan under his bangs to see his reaction.

jaehwan snorts, turns his head to meet seongwoo's eyes, and laughs, sincere yet unusually quiet, as if he doesn't want to attract attention to them.

seongwoo vainly tries to stop warmth from spreading in his chest, glancing down to his notebook to open the page where he left off last time. having people appreciate his jokes has always felt nice. seongwoo ignores how there's more to it right now, somehow.

"nah, i'm over it," says jaehwan once he calms down, and rubs his nose with the back of his hand, "still trying to survive on cheap ramen and eggs because that purchase sure left me broke as hell, but i manage. wouldn't be the first time."

jaehwan shrugs like it's no big deal, while seongwoo is having a hard time believing jaehwan actually bought a sex toy so expensive. he's not that of an idiot… right?

"what, then?" seongwoo asks nonchalantly, like he's sort of curious but doesn't really care.

"ah, it's my own dick, sadly," jaehwan says.

it doesn't fall flat like you would expect it to, considering they're barely friends.

seongwoo side eyes him. this time he's only moderately surprised, guessing this is just their dynamic now. seongwoo can't say he hates that it feels natural to joke around with jaehwan like that; he wants to know where this is going, though. seongwoo has never felt this lost when having a conversation with a barely-friend before — what's odd is that the usual anxiety doesn't come to him this time.

"is it broken too?"

jaehwan splutters, turning to face seongwoo, "uh. how dare you?"

seongwoo cracks a sardonic smile. "what's wrong with it then?" he asks, propping his chin on his palm as he looks jaehwan straight in the eye.

jaehwan looks away instantly, like it's hard for him to maintain eye contact with seongwoo for long. seongwoo's smile grows. _aha!_

"it's getting lonely," jaehwan says flatly, still twirling his pencil.

seongwoo feels his cheeks heat up slightly.

"and you're asking if i could keep it company?" he chuckles, nervously to his own ears but probably absolutely normal to jaehwan's.

"i mean," jaehwan rubs his nape, clearly embarrassed himself, "if you're offering…"

he laughs, looking to the side to face the window, but seongwoo manages to catch the blush on his cheeks anyway.

seongwoo's heart skips a beat.

"you wish," he says and bites on the inside of his cheeks.

 

the lecturer walking into the classroom interrupts whatever jaehwan was going to reply, and seongwoo is simultaneously relieved and disappointed. this — this flirting, or whatever they were doing, it's dangerous territory. it makes seongwoo nervous.

 _boys_ don't make seongwoo nervous.

they both wordlessly agree to drop it once the lecture begins.

 

 

seongwoo can't help but sneak glances at jaehwan, watching him for a few seconds before looking away, careful not to attract his attention because no, thanks, seongwoo can survive without furtherly embarrassing himself.

jaehwan is cute, seongwoo admits that much. and he isn't a gremlin, he's actually pretty nice to look at even though his makeup skills are subpar, merely good enough for him not to look cakey. there's no makeup on his face now, though, and the dark bags under his eyes are clearly visible, as well as other imperfections of his face. still, seongwoo thinks, not bad to look at at all.

not that it changes anything, not for seongwoo, because when jaehwan might not look like a gremlin, he sure is one. seongwoo wouldn't agree to keep kim jaehwan's dick company even if the guy paid him.

why is it so hard to focus on the lecture?

 

they meet eyes, once, happening to look at each other at the same time. seongwoo has to bite on the inside of his bottom lip because jaehwan for once doesn't look smug, or sly, or whatever. there's something in his eyes that makes seongwoo apprehensive, an emotion he finds hard to read or describe. there's a thought — maybe this is what you were looking for, but seongwoo doesn't dwell on it, breaking eye contact and paying attention to the lecturer instead.

 

 

three hours come and go, and before seongwoo knows it, everyone around him has gotten up and is collecting their things, jaehwan included.

"hey man," jaehwan calls him when seongwoo keeps seated, spacing out. seongwoo blinks and meets jaehwan's eyes.

"you going?" jaehwan asks, brows rising quizzically.

seongwoo hurries to stand up, "um."

there's this quiet laugh again from jaehwan, and seongwoo doesn't know what to think. so naturally, he ignores it, shoving his stuff inside his bag clumsily and zipping it up.

when he looks up, jaehwan is still standing there, looking at him with a peaceful gaze. he's clearly waiting for him — it puzzles seongwoo. he's tired, and his brain might not be running at its usual speed, but he's sure they didn't make any plans after class, not together. he doesn't even know jaehwan's schedule, and jaehwan most likely doesn't know his. so why is he still here?

"what?" seongwoo asks, gripping the strap of his bag cautiously.

jaehwan rolls his eyes. "i'll walk you to your next class," he says elucidatory, as if seongwoo is being silly with him.

"why."

to his surprise, jaehwan grabs his elbow, gently but persistently tugging seongwoo outside the lecture hall.

seongwoo wonders if from now on he’ll have chaperones walking him to all of his classes. 

"because i can," jaehwan replies, simple and curt.

seongwoo lets himself be led, his already weak defences crumbling under the small smile jaehwan gives him. this is fucking weird, he decides, suddenly remembering the clear frustration he's felt mere weeks ago. there's nothing akin to that anymore, and maybe that's just seongwoo's sleepy brain being less guarded than usual, or that he knows about jaehwan's crush on him and it being around jaehwan less intimidating (not that it was intimidating in the first place), or that first impressions aren't always right.

"third floor," he says when jaehwan slows down, clearly confused. it makes seongwoo snort.

jaehwan catches his eye, "oh, really? my next class is on the third floor too. it must be destiny."

jaehwan laughs and seongwoo hums, looking down at their joined elbows. he wants to let go, at first, but then decides against it and walks closer to jaehwan. they get through the thick crowd of students to the stairwell, and it's then when it strikes seongwoo that he still doesn't know why they take the same class in the first place.

"jaehwan?" he calls, looking down his feet not to miss any steps.

"'sup?"

"what's your major?"

jaehwan looks back at him, surprised, "i thought you knew?"

"...no?" seongwoo frowns, "why would i?"

does jaehwan know _his_ major?

jaehwan shrugs. "dunno. anyway, it's administrative assistance."

they take a turn to climb another flight of stairs. jaehwan tugs seongwoo closer to himself when a pair of freshmen run by and almost crush into seongwoo, careless apologies that seongwoo doesn't really care for thrown at them.

"careful," jaehwan says, making seongwoo feel something again, not entirely positive.

maybe annoyance at himself for being so careless and tired. maybe annoyance at jaehwan for — he doesn't know, existing. touching him. crushing on him. it doesn't matter, the feeling is too vague and weak to pay it any mind.

"isn't it super boring?" seongwoo asks. he expected to jaehwan to study something… more fitting for him. like music. do they even have a music department?

"meh," jaehwan shrugs again.

seongwoo doesn't know what that reaction means, but jaehwan doesn't explain. something urges seongwoo to find out more, while he still can and while he still allows himself to be curious about kim jaehwan without feeling stupid.

"why human behavior?"

jaehwan gives him a weird look, like he didn't expect seongwoo to question him further. it makes seongwoo uncomfortable.

it's a neutral question, something you'd definitely ask the person whom you want to get to know more (not that seongwoo really cares about jaehwan, no), but seongwoo wonders if he's overstepped his boundaries. it's stupid, unless jaehwan's mother died defending the subject and jaehwan swore to master it to honor her memory.

seongwoo should probably stop overthinking these kinds of things.

"got to told i needed more liberal science credits. thought it would be interesting, too? so, yeah, i decided to sign up for it," jaehwan replies, tone unsure for some reason. maybe it's the first time someone has asked him that question.

seongwoo hums, pointing to his classroom right next to the stairwell once they reach the third floor.

they come to a halt near the doorway; seongwoo is the first to let go. the skin of his arm where they were touching feels like it's burning underneath his shirt, and seongwoo wants to rub it until the feeling goes away.

he doesn't meet jaehwan's eyes.

"thanks for — " he clears his throat, "walking me, i guess. could've made it by myself though."

jaehwan snorts, "you're most welcome," and as an afterthought: "hyung."

seongwoo nods.

 

 

they part ways, and jaehwan casually waves him goodbye before walking down the hallway and disappearing into the crowd.

seongwoo feels weird.

  
  
  


 

 

seongwoo should probably stop overthinking _all_ kinds of things. it's been a few days since he and jaehwan sort of hang out, and seongwoo has been mentally torturing himself by thinking back to everything said and done that morning, both by himself and jaehwan.

the only conclusion he's come to is that yes, jaehwan is most likely crushing on him, but he didn't hang around seongwoo because he wanted to get something out of it… unless it's joy from talking to him. seongwoo doubts that his company is that enjoyable, if enjoyable at all.

it doesn't help much — seongwoo still isn't sure how he himself feels about jaehwan. he cannot deny that their conversations so far has been pretty friendly without them trying that hard to keep it peaceful, and that maybe there's a chance they can be pals, or something. the idea is a bit unsettling because seongwoo doesn't want to get used to it, or to jaehwan himself. it feels wrong to even imagine himself being friends with jaehwan, but when seongwoo tries to think about _why_ , he comes up with nothing.

it's as if he doesn't need a reason, only needs to dislike jaehwan.

it's stupid, all of it, and seongwoo wishes he'd spend his saturday catching up on assignments or bothering minhyun instead of staring into the ceiling and stressing himself out because of a guy he barely cares about.

 

he turns to lie on his stomach, watching the snow fall on the other side of the window over his bed.

  
  
  


 

 

it's a slow tuesday. probably the slowest tuesday of his life, and it doesn't help that the last of his make-up classes are wide apart but not enough for him to ride all the way home.

seongwoo has been hanging out at the starbucks not so far from the campus for the last — he glances down at the taskbar — hour and twenty minutes. most of his last minute assignments are pretty much ready to hand in, and the only essay he's yet to write isn't due for another week, which justifies him fucking around and playing microsoft mahjong instead of doing actual work.

he's got the last final coming up, too, but it's in two days, and seongwoo has given up on it already, giving himself away to the will of fate. he thinks he'll barf if he forces himself to go through the same material again and again for the nth time.

 

 

seongwoo holds onto his laptop and stretches in the soft chair, joins popping sweetly. he casts his blessings upon whoever decided to install these in the cafe, his butt doesn't feel flatter than usual even though he's been practically frozen in place since he got his order and settled down.

he looks around himself to rest his eyes from staring into the laptop screen for too long, and of course, of course by the universal law of fuck-you there is kim jaehwan, patiently waiting for his tea or whatever at the bar. seongwoo wants to both evaporate from existence and call him over before he can leave. both parts of him fail to win over another, however, because it's then when jaehwan happens to glance in his direction and notice him.

his eyes widen in surprise along with seongwoo's, and the tentative, small wave of his hand makes seongwoo apprehensive. wouldn't be the first time.

seongwoo watches jaehwan receive his cup from the smiling barista, and bites on his lip as jaehwan makes his way over. there's a small smile on his face, borderline smirk, and seongwoo thinks that he's just got to get used to this expression on jaehwan's face at this point. he still tries to figure out what it is that makes jaehwan smirk at him. before seongwoo can have a nervous breakdown, jaehwan greets him.

"hey?" he smiles, friendly.

seongwoo sits up on his chair and closes his laptop. he doesn't think if he looks eager to look with jaehwan or not.

"good afternoon," he says, tone neutral, and closes his mouth. jaehwan came over to talk to him, after all, not the other way round, so seongwoo lets him come up with a topic.

"dunno about good, just took my final exam," jaehwan shakes his head and points at the chair opposite of seongwoo, "can i sit here?"

he stares at seongwoo, and it takes a few awkward seconds for seongwoo to finally nod.

"what, did you blow it?" he snorts, looking down at his lap to escape eye contact.

"eh," he hears jaehwan say and take a sip of his drink, "might have, might have not."

something pushes seongwoo to say, "hope you didn't."

it startles them both, he can tell that much even without looking at jaehwan. none of them say anything for a long minute, until seongwoo decides to move on.

"i'm taking mine this thursday," he says for some reason, "can't wait to fail it miserably."

jaehwan chuckles, "c'mon hyung, you're not that dumb."

the words that leave his mouth surprise seongwoo, enough for him to look up and scrutinize jaehwan under his gaze. jaehwan is looking out of the window, fingers around his cup — probably tea. his expression doesn't give him away, but the way he bites on his upper lip does.

"are you going back to uni?" seongwoo asks, watching jaehwan closely. it's his turn to avoid eye contact.

"nah, i'm done with everything already," jaehwan says, looking down at his drink.

"lucky," seongwoo huffs, "i have make-up classes today."

"slacked off too much during the semester?" jaehwan laughs, and in the split second they meet eyes, the glint seongwoo manages to catch in jaehwan's somehow makes him warm all over.

seongwoo swallows, feeling something in him _change_.

"yeah," he says drily and stares out of the window.

 

it's snowing, harder and harder with each passing minute. seongwoo worries if the snowstorm would end before he has to leave the cafe and make his way to the university. his coat isn't that warm, and he curses himself for not buying one of those long padded ones when they were still cheap and not sold out everywhere.

it's silent for some time, seongwoo tapping his fingers against his laptop to the melody of _shhhh_ in his head and jaehwan sipping on his tea… or whatever he's drinking. the ambience of the cafe fills up the silence between them.

 

jaehwan speaks up first.

"do you maybe…" he looks unsure, nervous if seongwoo didn't know better, "want to go somewhere this weekend? to celebrate you failing your final."

seongwoo cracks a smile, quickly covering it with his hand. but then it clicks — jaehwan is asking him out. maybe. asking him to hang out as friends? what does this mean.

"it's cool if you don't want to," jaehwan adds, sensing seongwoo's worries, "no pressure."

seongwoo tries not to feel touched by his consideration. it's kind of sweet. he wants to agree.

"where would we go if i said yes?" he asks, trying hard not to sound playful.

"um," jaehwan purses his lips, "i dunno, we could go for a drink? to a bar or something… i'm afraid to invite you to karaoke, don't want you to get sad because i outsang you."

he looks smug, and seongwoo reckons he has every right to be, but it still irks seongwoo. he'll curse his own stupidity later, but words are already leaving his mouth.

"is that a challenge? i take it, then," he says, and finally places his laptop inside his bag. he's sure he won't use it anymore; sucks to admit, but talking to jaehwan is more fun than playing mahjong.

"what, you really think you can sing better than me?" jaehwan laughs, leaning back in his chair, posture relaxed for the first time since he came over to bother seongwoo.

"why not," seongwoo shrugs, picking up his latte from the table between them. there's a bit left on the bottom, and seongwoo doesn't hesitate to finish it. it's lukewarm.

he brings the cup down and looks at it. maybe he should —

jaehwan perks up, "do you want me to get you another? i don't mind."

"what."

"another — "

"why?" seongwoo bristles. why is jaehwan treating him like a princess?

jaehwan visibly pulls back. he frowns, "gee, calm down, i was just trying to be nice."

"thanks but no, thanks," seongwoo replies, scoffing.

seongwoo doesn't need _kim jaehwan's_ niceness.

 

uncomfortable silence settles down between them. they don't meet eyes, and seongwoo only looks at him when jaehwan gets up from his seat.

"i'm — i'm gonna go, i think," jaehwan says, a bit dazed.

it makes seongwoo feel bad. maybe he overreacted.

"hold on," he says before jaehwan can turn around and leave him.

jaehwan freezes in place, eyes studying seongwoo's face. seongwoo gets a small apologetic smile out of himself.

"sorry," he says quickly, and before jaehwan can respond: "let me leave you my number, text me when you feel like hanging out."

he stretches out his arm, looking into jaehwan's tense eyes. it takes a moment for jaehwan to nod and hand him his unlocked phone.

it's an old 5s iphone, its screen is broken but seongwoo thinks jaehwan is either to broke or too lazy to get it fixed. seongwoo quickly opens the phone app and saves his number, thumb hovering over the screen for a second before he types in 'seongwoo hyung' as contact name. he doesn’t call himself to later save jaehwan’s number, figuring he’s too much of a pussy to take the first step. he hands the phone back, their fingers touching for a mere second. they both flinch awkwardly.

"um," jaehwan says, locking his phone and throwing it inside his backpack, "thanks. see ya."

 

the awkward wave of his hand is as awkward as the smile on seongwoo's face as he follows jaehwan with his eyes until the latter disappears out the building and out of seongwoo's sight.

  
  
  
  


 

 

seongwoo almost forgets about jaehwan asking him (to hang) out, too busy finally decorating his home for holidays, meeting up with friends and making sure his cognitive psychology essay isn't one hundred percent bullshit.

he doesn't expect the text but it comes, on the 23th of december. seongwoo pauses the video he was watching and quits out of the youtube app, opening messages and staring at the only unread one.

 _hey seongwoo hyung, it's kim jaehwan. i was wondering if you wanted to hang out tomorrow. it's fine if you're busy, with christmas and…_ it cuts off.

seongwoo stares at it for almost a minute, his brain blanking out on him. he sits up on his couch and lowers the volume of his tv before tapping on the message to read it in full.

 

_hey seongwoo hyung, its kim jaehwan. i_

_was wondering if you wanted to hang out_

_tomorrow. its fine if ure busy, with_

_christmas and all. but if ure not, lemme_

_know what time works best for you,_

_theres one karaoke place i like in_

_dongjak. hope u didnt actually_

_fail your exam~~ ;)_

 

it's an unexpectedly long text, and the winky face at the end is awfully jaehwan-y, as well as the careless spelling. seongwoo cracks a smile. it's sort of cute.

it takes seongwoo a few minutes to compose a response. he retypes it several times, but in the end gives up — no matter how hard he tries, it looks awkward and too dry.

 

_hey jaehwan. tmrw is ok, i'm free!_

_we can meet at 8pm if that's fine with_

_you. where do you want to meet up?_

 

he tucks a whistling emoji at the end before he sends it, hoping it doesn't come off as too cringey. he wonders if jaehwan was in the chat window as seongwoo was typing, because his message gets checked as read almost right away.

he quits the app before he sees the bubble signaling that jaehwan is typing back, and chucks his phone at the other side of couch as he gets up. he spends more time in kitchen than necessary, making himself an evening snack.

 

seongwoo feels really awkward all of a sudden, especially when he remembers the way their conversation ended at the starbucks a few days ago. they're okay now, apparently, because jaehwan is really pulling through with the whole karaoke thing. it makes seongwoo relieved, because the option of jaehwan disliking him back is more unsettling to seongwoo than the idea of them being friends.

he tries not to get angry at himself for having such mixed emotions. why must he always overcomplicate things?

 

he picks up his phone when he gets back from the kitchen, balancing the plate with his sandwich on it on his knees as he sits down. he chooses not to read the notification before he actually opens the text.

 

_okey okey nice! how abt at the dongjak_

_station, line 9?_

 

seongwoo chews on his sandwich methodically, awkwardly typing with his left hand and sending the message before he changes his mind.

 

_alright, see you at eight then_

 

and then another one.

 

_hope you’re ready to get rekt_

 

he types the last words in english, hoping that he doesn't come off as a weirdo and that jaehwan gets the reference — after all, seongwoo barely knows anything about the guy.

the reply comes instantly.

 

_bring it on B)_

 

seongwoo's lips stretch in a small smile as he saves jaehwan's contact under the name 'jaehwannie'. he'll change it later, he thinks.

  
  
  
  


 

 

seongwoo is running a bit late, the time being eight twelve. he texted jaehwan earlier saying he will be late, not bothering to come up with an excuse. he doesn't have one — he's late because he's awful at time managing. jaehwan didn't seem to mind much in his text back, but seongwoo still feels a bit apologetic.

he's nervous too, because, after all, he's not sure how to act around jaehwan. he hopes the alcohol will help, but also makes a promise to watch himself. he doesn't want to overshare, and that's usually what happens when he's had one too many drinks — ask any of his friends, especially sungwoon or daniel.

 

when seongwoo's train finally arrives at dongjak station, jaehwan is, obviously, already there, waiting for him near the lifts.

"jaehwan!" seongwoo calls, maneuvering himself around the crowd.

jaehwan looks up from his phone. he doesn't smile, but the happiness simmering in his eyes is evident. seongwoo doesn't know how to feel about jaehwan being happy to see him — he didn't really prepare himself to what's going to happen, knowing well he would've ended end up cancelling their plans if he thought about it too much.

"hyung," jaehwan salutes once seongwoo reaches him.

seongwoo bites on the inside of his cheek and shoves his hands inside the pockets of his coat.

"sorry i'm late," he says, clenching his fists, but jaehwan just waves him off.

"don't worry, i just got here myself."

seongwoo doubts it, but doesn't protest.

"shall we go?" he asks, looking to the sides. there's a lot of people around them and seongwoo has to step closer to jaehwan when a group of ahjummas pass them.

jaehwan makes a sound, and turns in place, "ah, yes, leggo!"

 

 

the karaoke place isn't that far away from the station. it's small but welcoming. comfortable. stylish even, in a manner that suggest the owner, whoever that is, knows what goes well with what. or maybe they hired a designer? either way, seongwoo likes it.

they settle down in a small room, jaehwan plopping down on one of the couches he like owns the place. seongwoo thanks the waitress that places the menus on the table before them and she quickly explains how to operate the karaoke machine and the disco ball above them. before seongwoo knows it, the door softly clicks shut after her, leaving him alone with jaehwan.

jaehwan is flipping through the menu as seongwoo sheds off his coat and scarf, looking around the room. the design is simple and cozy — seongwoo thinks it'll do.

"do you want anything to eat?" jaehwan asks him, getting seongwoo out of his thoughts.

seongwoo carefully sits down on the couch next to him, opening his own menu and flipping through it. "ah, no, i had dinner already."

 

 

they still end up ordering snacks and dessert, along with a bunch of drinks. seongwoo looks at all the bottles on the table and wonders how they'll drink all of that. jaehwan tries to reassure him he can fit a lot of alcohol inside his person, but, if you ask seongwoo, instead of being reassuring it comes off as a threat. he wonders if he'll have to drag jaehwan's wasted body all the way to his (or jaehwan's own) place. that's not something seongwoo wants to do, but he'd do it if he had to.

it's after they settle down with snacks and when they're choosing their first song to play that seongwoo notices jaehwan is still wearing his coat.

jaehwan grins at him mysteriously when seongwoo points it out, and springs to his feet. he slowly walks to the coat rack, making a show like he's on a catwalk, and dramatically turns to face seongwoo.

seongwoo honest to god almost expects him to be naked underneath when jaehwan starts to slowly unzip his coat, but instead he reveals a simple pair of jeans and —

"really?" seongwoo deadpans.

jaehwan is wearing a t-shirt, more specifically a t-shirt with a picture of himself with both thumbs up and 'KIM JAEHWAN FIGHTING~!' in bold black letters above it.

he's grinning, laugh lines in the corners of his eyes.

"so?" he laughs, "what do you think?"

"that you're an idiot?" seongwoo says, facepalming to hide the wide smile breaking on his lips.

jaehwan's jaehwan shirt is just as bad as jaehwan himself. his laugh is loud, annoying, but seongwoo doesn't feel frustrated for once. he's sort of charmed, even.

 

 

jaehwan is fun. and funny. and makes seongwoo feel at ease with how, well, easy-going he is. seongwoo swears he would die if jaehwan brings up The Starbucks Incident, but jaehwan never does, and the conversation moves to places seongwoo didn't expect it to go. they joke around, share random facts about each other's lives, and by the time they finally get around to using the karaoke machine, seongwoo decides jaehwan isn't bad to be around at all. the alcohol helps, and if seongwoo prefered to let jaehwan be a clown alone at first, an hour after they settled down seongwoo is on his feet as well, a bottle of cider in one hand and a microphone in another.

they're singing to _red queen_ and jaehwan looks absolutely ridiculous trying to dance to it. he's doing a piss-poor job, movements stilled and completely missing the rhythm — but it makes seongwoo laugh, and the smug grin on jaehwan's face suggests that that's exactly why he's making a fool out of himself.

seongwoo feels something akin to happiness as he takes another swig of his cider, emptying the bottle. he's positively buzzed, and even though he wants to order more — they didn't order _that_ much, it turned out, — he decides it's enough alcohol for now. he places the empty bottle on the table and hurries to stand by jaehwan's side.

he sings zion.t's part because jaehwan is a better vocalist and has proved it — he goes off tone only twice, and it's impressive considering he's singing in the same key as iu. the way seongwoo tries to good-heartedly mimic zion.t's nasal voice makes jaehwan laugh not once but twice. warmth spreads in seongwoo's chest, and this is the moment he truly lets go, finally admitting to himself that he has nothing to fear, and that jaehwan isn't half as bad as seongwoo thought (or wanted him to be?).

when the song ends, they get the score of 100. seongwoo turns to beam at jaehwan, and jaehwan startles him by hugging him then, a tight hold of arms around seongwoo's neck. he has to bend down because jaehwan is pushing seongwoo's face against his chest, and it makes him laugh. he doesn't try to resist but jaehwan lets go right away anyhow, skipping to the karaoke machine happily to choose another song.

"how about a ballad?" he asks, voice excited.

seongwoo wipes a bead of sweat off his temple, walking closer and draping an arm around jaehwan's shoulders naturally. physical contact is becoming awfully easy to abuse. "sure. do they have btob?"

"you think you can handle btob?" jaehwan laughs, turning his head to look at him.

jaehwan's warm, beer-smelling breath hits seongwoo's chin, and seongwoo suddenly realizes that their faces are _close_. he tries to be as casual as he can when he pulls back and lets go of jaehwan.

"try me," he swallows, a little queasy suddenly. if he turned his face to the side, they would —

jaehwan plays _missing you_  and seongwoo cheers, willing himself to stop thinking about things that shouldn't be on his mind. he sings off-tone on purpose, and tries hard to be funny.

 

 

they spend over two hours at the karaoke — seongwoo doesn't notice, but at some point both of them plop down on the couch, tired, shoulders brushing. seongwoo's throat feels scratchy because the last time he sang so much was when he was part of his school's choir, but he ignores it and polishes off the cheesecake they got earlier with a sweet cocktail.

it's exceptionally quiet, especially after blasting music for over an hour, but seongwoo doesn't mind. jaehwan doesn't seem like he does either, yet he's the first to start a conversation about everything and nothing at the same time. they talk in quiet voices, and seongwoo thinks this is his first time seeing this calm, sated side of jaehwan.

"when did you learn to sing so well?" seongwoo asks when the topic goes back to music.

jaehwan rubs his nape. "oh, i don't even know. my mother forced me to take vocal lessons when i was a kid and that was kind of it. guess it's, like… a natural talent," he frowns, "i wouldn't say i'm exceptionally talented though."

seongwoo hums, studying jaehwan's face.

"what about you?" jaehwan turns to him.

"are you implying i'm a good singer?"

seongwoo's smile turns into a grin when jaehwan shoves his shoulder.

"not better than me but yeah. not so shabby," he snorts and twists the empty bottle in his hands.

"i was in a church choir in middle school."

the look jaehwan gives him makes seongwoo laugh out loud.

"seriously? tell me you're kidding me."

seongwoo shakes his head and purses his lips. "no, i'm afraid it's the truth."

"you're a spawn of satan, how come you were allowed inside the church?" jaehwan asks, tone serious.

seongwoo pretends to punch him, barely containing his smile.

"you're one to talk, you gremlin," seongwoo says, and the faux offended look on jaehwan's face almost makes him choke on his own spit as he laughs.

when the conversation dies out naturally, they both turn to smile at each other. jaehwan's smile is contented, the disco ball lights reflecting in his eyes.

 

something in seongwoo's stomach churns when he thinks about the situation they're — he's in. he's trying real hard not to like jaehwan, but the ice between them has been melted under the pressure of alcohol, snacks and hour and a half of belting their throats out to all sorts of music until their vocal cords can't take it anymore, and it's becoming more and more difficult to find reasons to be annoyed with the guy. it's stupid for seongwoo to deny he enjoys jaehwan's company — he just does. he doesn't want to think about it too much, but maybe it's time to just accept that jaehwan would make a good friend. that seongwoo should let go of his worries.

he chuckles for no reason and breaks eye contact to look at his lap, afraid jaehwan sees something in his eyes that seongwoo isn't quite ready to share yet. jaehwan is still looking at him, his gaze heavy on seongwoo's face, and seongwoo squirms under it. he's forced to look up when it doesn't go away, sensing jaehwan wants to say something but doesn't know how.

their faces are close again, and there's something in jaehwan's eyes that makes it hard for seongwoo to put distance between them. it makes him nervous even though it's not supposed to; seongwoo tries to find a reason but his thought process gets interrupted when jaehwan's eyes dart to his lips. seongwoo wishes he missed it — it's hard to ignore how his cheeks grow hot from something more than alcohol.

 

jaehwan is the one who leans in first, lips cautiously touching seongwoo's, as if he's not sure it's okay, what he's doing. seongwoo doesn't know what urges him to push forward, head tilting so they don't brush noses, but he doesn't regret it even if jaehwan's lips taste like cheesecake and beer. it's not the best combination yet seongwoo doesn't pull back — he puts his hand on jaehwan's nape instead to tug him closer, mouth opening just slightly as he inhales jaehwan's hot breath and gets more drunk on it than on all the cider and cocktails he's ordered.

the kiss is slow, sensual but not erotic, just two pairs of lips moving against each other in a way that makes seongwoo's brains melt. it doesn't last, because when jaehwan puts his hand on top of seongwoo's own, the realization kicks in.

seongwoo pulls back, eyes wide as he stares at jaehwan in shock.

"seongwoo…"

seongwoo feels his lips twist and he doesn't think before wiping the with the sleeve of his sweater.

"what the fuck," he laughs, humorless.

it doesn't escape from him the way jaehwan visibly flinches.

"i thought — " he starts, sitting straight on the couch.

seongwoo quickly gets up to his legs, clenching his hurting stomach. it's not from alcohol.

"um… i'm sorry, i can't… i can't — " his voice gets quieter and quieter, words barely registering before they fall from his mouth. bile rises in his throat.

jaehwan has the gall to look apologetic.

"are you alright?" he asks, reaching out his hand to touch seongwoo's arm.

seongwoo pulls back.

"you know what, i'm just gonna go," he says and backs away to the coat rack to grab his clothes, "i know you like me but i don't — "

 _like you back_ , he wants to say, but can't bring himself to.

"tonight was really fun and all but i — i have to, to get um, ready for christmas. i'm sorry," he doesn't know what he's saying. _i'm drunk_ , he thinks as he wraps his scarf around his neck carelessly.

he gets all the money he has inside his wallet and throws it on the table, running out of the room before jaehwan gets to say anything.

seongwoo feels scared. he doesn't know why.

  
  
  
  


 

 

the small party minhyun throws for christmas surprisingly doesn't suck despite the whole karaoke fiasco. in fact, it's relatively easy to forget about it and about jaehwan's whole existence when seongwoo isn't on campus practically every day and doesn't see the guy around.

it's nice not to overthink for once, but seongwoo’s thoughts do go back to jaehwan when the party winds down a bit at two am. some of his friends are already asleep, some are hogging minhyun's ps4, and seongwoo thinks he sees donghyun and donghan cuddle on the kitchen floor, sharing a bottle of wine between the two of them. he wants to poke fun at how touchy they're being with each other, but changes his mind when he sees them kiss — it's not an unfamiliar sight considering he's friends with _a buncha gays_ , and casual drunk making out isn't something that's frowned upon, but it's _donghyun and donghan._  seongwoo turns on his heels to get a gulp of fresh air on the balcony.

it's cold and seongwoo hugs himself with one arm, wishing he was wearing something warmer than a thin sweatshirt and a pair of ripped jeans. he hooks a finger on one of the rips and tugs, lips forming a pout. he's too lazy and drunk to go back inside and grab a jacket or something, so he just leans on the frozen railing and stares off at the distance.

 

seongwoo has a lot of regrets about the karaoke night — he wishes he was more friendly, asked jaehwan as many questions as jaehwan asked him, drank less, didn't try to dance to one of taemin's songs when they were singing to it… there is a lot of them, but the biggest one, undoubtedly, is not looking at jaehwan's face before running away.

it's not running away itself, no, because seongwoo knows for sure there was no chance he could've stayed _because_ he's simply too much of a coward for that, but he genuinely wishes he looked at jaehwan. seongwoo knows that jaehwan must be hurt, but there is no way to confirm how the guy feels. they haven't texted each other, haven't called either, and seongwoo sort of wishes jaehwan was part of his friend circle so that seongwoo was forced to confront him and apologize. he knows it would've put a damper on the party for him if jaehwan was here, but seongwoo thinks… no, knows that it would've been easier for him to reach out first if jaehwan was nearby.

seongwoo isn't even sure what he would've said to jaehwan to make his apology count. he truly is sorry, but he doesn't think just being sorry is enough, especially considering jaehwan now knows seongwoo is aware of his crush.

seongwoo can only imagine how jaehwan feels because, after all, seongwoo doesn't know him well. he knows the things jaehwan finds most funny, and that he can be serious when the topic requires him, and that he's not a heartless bastard like seongwoo previously thought. there is a chance jaehwan is upset about this, there is a chance that he doesn't care — seongwoo gets lost when he tries to think about which one is more plausible.

he knows for sure one thing, and that is that he should apologize as soon as possible.

 

"seongwoo?" daniel's raspy voice calls from behind him, and seongwoo whips his head around, startled.

"hey," he greets daniel, mustering up a smile when he notices the worried expression on his face.

"you okay?" daniel asks, stepping outside, and they automatically drift closer to each other.

seongwoo wetly smooches daniel's cheek when daniel pokes his side, urging him to reply.

"yeah, don't worry about me, niellie," he reassures, wiping daniel's cheek with the back of his hand.

daniel wraps an arm around his shoulders. he doesn't look convinced, but lets it go. "if you say so, dude. c'mon, i bullied jisung into doing a handstand. you think he'll break?"

seongwoo laughs, and slides the balcony door shut behind them.

  
  


 

 

as soon as possible doesn't happen until it's the end of the week. it's almost new years, and seongwoo is officially done with university until the next semester starts. most of his friends are busy with their families and significant others, but he gets to hang out with youngmin, and even with daniel and woojin — or, rather, _danielandwoojin_ , considering how they're all over each other even with seongwoo around. seongwoo jokes about them being inconsiderate towards single people, and for some reason thinks back to jaehwan.

 

to be completely honest with himself, seongwoo is scared. he's not used to making the first step, but he just knows if he won't, then he can consider him and jaehwan done before they were even able to become friends. the thought makes him bitter, at himself for thinking too much about this, at jaehwan for kissing him, at… himself for responding to the kiss. and then ruining everything. he wonders, what would've happened if he didn't panic, but the idea makes him more nervous than the thought of facing jaehwan.

what pushes seongwoo to reach out first is something woojin says.

 

"you know, i wouldn't want to go into the new year with regrets weighing me down," woojin tells him, eyes on daniel at the bar fetching them their drinks.

seongwoo snorts good-heartedly — woojin is too wise for a kid. "what makes you say that?"

"i had a big fight with jihoon a few months ago, and we never really… talked it out," woojin squirms on his seat, uncomfortable with memories yet willing to share, "we just kinda ignored it. but i brought it up a few days ago and it went well... we both needed it, i think."

seongwoo hums. woojin is a good guy, and seongwoo is glad daniel ended up with him. he won't say it out loud because he doesn't want to be cheesy — he's not in the mood, — but he really is happy for them.

"that's very good of you, woojinnie," he says and pats woojin's head. he wonders why he's suddenly talking about regrets. maybe just making small talk?

woojin slaps seongwoo's hand off, and turns to face him at the same time daniel grabs their drinks off the bar.

"do you have any regrets, hyung?" he asks, eyes wide and clear in the dim lights of the bar.

seongwoo feels himself get nervous even though woojin doesn't know about the jaehwan situation. or maybe he does?

seongwoo looks down to his almost empty pint, deciding there's no point in lying. "yeah, actually," he stops, and purses his lips.

"is there any way you could fix it?" woojin asks, noticing seongwoo's at loss of words.

"there is… but — " he clears his throat, squares his shoulders, "i really want to fix it."

woojin smiles at him encouragingly, his cute snaggletooth poking out from under his upper lip.

"i hope everything goes well," he says, tone genuine.

daniel puts their drinks on the table, plopping down on his respective chair.

"whatcha chattin’ about?" he asks, taking a sip of his beer.

seongwoo and woojin both laugh at him when he brings the cup down to reveal a foam mustache above his top lip. seongwoo cringes exaggeratedly when woojin wipes it with his thumb and licks it off.

"regrets," seongwoo replies, and adds to change the topic: "anyway, what are you guys doing for new years?"

he listens to his friends talk about their plans, and inside his head decides to text jaehwan first thing the next day.

  
  


 

 

seongwoo's thumb hovers over the send button for a long minute, and he has to lock his phone and pace from his living room to his kitchen and back a few times before he finally decides _fuck it_.

he taps send, and throws his phone on his couch.

 

_hello jaehwan, it's me, seongwoo…_

_i wanted to talk to you and apologize_

_in person. are you free today? can we_

_meet up?_

 

the reply doesn't come until after a long, nerve-wrecking hour. seongwoo almost drops the bowl of dough he was making when he hears the imessage notification go off. he washes his hands but doesn't bother wiping them on the towel, which results in him struggling to unlock his phone.

when he finally does, he swears his heart stops beating for a second.

 

_hey hyung. i'm free, where do you_

_want to go?_

 

seongwoo doesn't know what to think — he did not expect jaehwan to agree so easily. he even wrote down a bunch of things that might convince jaehwan to give him a chance to… what, explain himself? in his notes.

"the fuck…" he mumbles, frowning at jaehwan's message.

 

_um.. how about yeouido park? in_

_two hours?_

 

the reply comes as fast as ever.

 

_haha yeouido? do you want us_

_to freeze our asses off? but okay_

_i don't mind~ at the sign then?_

 

seongwoo wants to make a joke but comes up with nothing, and only sends a curt _see you there_. he already hurt jaehwan, he doubts his sudden awkwardness can make it any worse.

  
  
  


 

 

when seongwoo arrives at the yeouido park sign, jaehwan is already there. seongwoo's nerves spike as he makes his way over. he thanks god when jaehwan only notices him when seongwoo stands in front of him — there's nothing more awkward than walking towards someone who's already noticed you.

"hello," he greets, just as stiff as his last message.

jaehwan looks him straight in the eye. he doesn't seem upset, but the bags under his eyes are a bit more prominent than usual. there's a shadow of a smile on his face, but it's not sad — somehow it's the opposite.

it makes seongwoo feel better.

"hi, hyung," jaehwan inclines his head, and looks to the side, "shall we go?"

"ah… yeah, let's go," seongwoo agrees.

they start walking, side by side, not close enough for their shoulders to brush but not far apart for it to be awkward. it's the perfect distance, yet seongwoo wishes jaehwan would grab onto his elbow like that one time. it's not the time, nor place, but no one can hear seongwoo's thoughts except seongwoo himself.

"how have you been?" he asks, maybe to prolong the inevitable, maybe because he's genuinely interested.

"ah… good, good," jaehwan nods. he's not looking at seongwoo, "hung out with my mom."

seongwoo waits for him to continue, but jaehwan doesn't. _ah, here it is_ , seongwoo thinks. he really did fuck up.

"had fun?" he asks anyway.

"yeah," jaehwan sighs, and the small smile on his face turns into a frown, "listen, se— "

"i wanted to apologize," seongwoo says before jaehwan can continue. his heart is beating _so fast_ , it feels like it's going to jump out of his chest, but seongwoo ignores it and continues, "i shouldn't have ran away. i regretted leaving you as soon as i caught my train back home. and i — i'm sorry for bringing up your… crush on me."

seongwoo blushes. both of them look away from each other, embarrassed.

"i'm sorry for a long of things that night. i'm not the best company…" he puts a hand up when he notices jaehwan is about to protest, "and i should've… my point is, i don't — "

words get caught up in his throat. seongwoo coughs, twisting the inner material of his coat pocket between his sweaty fingers.

here goes nothing.

"i don't regret kissing you," he says.

 

silence washes over them. they don't stop walking, snow gently crunching under their feet, and seongwoo doesn't look at jaehwan's face even though he wants to.

"i don't know what you want me to do with that information," jaehwan says after a while.

seongwoo dares to glance up at him — jaehwan looks flustered, but not angry. it reassures him a bit.

"i don't know either, to be honest," he laughs nervously.

they walk past a bench and jaehwan sits down. he doesn't offer for seongwoo to sit as well, but seongwoo does anyway. the conversation isn't over.

"how did you know?" jaehwan asks.

seongwoo squeezes his hands between his knees. "youngmin told me… he thought i knew already, he wouldn't have otherwise."

jaehwan hums and stretches out his legs.

"does it make you uncomfortable?" he asks, voice a bit more neutral than seongwoo would like it to be.

he doesn't hesitate before replying, "no."

seongwoo doesn't know how it makes him feel, but he’s certainly not uncomfortable. not anymore.

they're both silent.

 

"i forgive you," jaehwan says, "it wasn't that i was mad at you or something in the first place, we were both drunk… though i can't believe it's _you_ who freaked out."

"what do you mean?" seongwoo frowns.

jaehwan looks at him, but seongwoo is too afraid to look back. "you make me nervous as hell, duh. i thought i would die when i texted you for the first time, and then i thought i'd die waiting for you at dongjak station. imagine how i felt when i kissed you."

 

when jaehwan's confession is confusing, jaehwan _forgiving_ him so easily is just plain unbelievable. the only word that seongwoo can explain the situation with is weird, because what jaehwan just said is not what seongwoo has been preparing himself for at all. it's almost too good to be real, but a quick look to jaehwan's face reassures seongwoo that it really is happening.

seongwoo doesn't deserve jaehwan. his attention, him liking seongwoo, him being so fucking nice to seongwoo while seongwoo has been such an utter jerk to him, both in his head and out loud. something in his throat aches and seongwoo finds it hard to swallow. he wants to tell jaehwan off for being so nice to such a piece of shit like him but —

"but you don't look nervous around me," he says instead before his thoughts spiral into something that he doesn't want to face, not now, not ever.

"oh?" jaehwan makes a surprised sound, "guess i'm just as good at not showing my true emotions as you are."

jaehwan's words hurt, but another glance up to his face confirms that they carry no malice, that they're not to upset him. seongwoo doesn't try to deny — it's true, after all, though he did think he wasn't going that good of a job at hiding his emotions around jaehwan.

 

"what now?" jaehwan asks when seongwoo doesn't reply.

seongwoo shrugs, staring down at his dirty sneakers covered in snow. he didn't plan that far.

"wanna go on a date?"

 

seongwoo's heart jumps to his throat and he stares up at jaehwan, wide-eyed. jaehwan is smirking at him, but he strangely seems to be serious about his suggestion. it renders seongwoo speechless — he simply doesn't know what to think anymore. he hoped jaehwan would forgive him and that they'll try to be friends, but he certainly didn't expect for jaehwan to… ask him out.

"haha," seongwoo laughs stiltedly, "don't joke about that."

jaehwan makes a face. "i'm not joking though?"

_oh._

"are you serious?" seongwoo asks in a quiet voice, just to confirm.

jaehwan sighs and ribs his pink cheek. "listen, hyung… you said you don't regret kissing me. and we both know i like you. so… yeah, i'm serious. i'm willing to give us a chance, do you?"

 

seongwoo looks down at his lap. he would always push the thought of seeing jaehwan as a romantic interest to the back of his head, choosing to focus on negative emotions instead, but jaehwan is right — seongwoo did say he doesn't regret kissing him, and he meant it.

seongwoo doubts himself a lot, but he's sure that he's not just being desperate, that he's not giving himself away to the first guy that shows interest in him. and that's what makes him meet jaehwan's eyes and nod.

"yeah, we can try," he swallows, and the grin jaehwan gives him is blinding.

"how about right now, then?" jaehwan gets up, dusting off the back of his jeans, "unless you have plans."

seongwoo stares up at him.

"you're serious, right? because — "

"yeah, dude, i'm totally serious," jaehwan rolls his eyes, grin melting down into something more mellow.

the calming effect it has on seongwoo is beyond bizarre, and even though seongwoo is still scared, nervous and unsure, he gets up too. their shoulders brush occasionally as they walk beside each other, out of the park and down the street to find a random cafe to sit at.

 

 

there is a lot of feelings seongwoo is yet to sort, because kim jaehwan is still an annoying fool with an irritatingly loud laugh, and his stupid remarks and smirks still make seongwoo want to physically push his face away from him. but when he thinks about all those things that used to frustrate him, they no longer have the same effect, and seongwoo thinks he really could let it go if he tries a bit harder.

there is a lot of things about jaehwan seongwoo is yet to learn, _wants_ to learn, like the reason jaehwan chose such a boring major when he obviously has passion for music, what was his first impression of seongwoo and why despite everything jaehwan has been so nice to him — it couldn't just be his crush on seongwoo, right?

seongwoo wants to find out what it's like being so ridiculously easy-going, because it will probably never stop weirding him out — having someone forgive him so easily for something that still bothers him every time he thinks of it.

and most of all: did jaehwan really buy a sex toy so expensive?

 

seongwoo might not like jaehwan the same way jaehwan likes him yet, but seongwoo truly is willing to give them a chance.

  
  
  


 

 

the second time he and jaehwan kiss, seongwoo is the one to initiate it. the clock strikes midnight on december 31st, and seongwoo thinks he couldn't have chosen a better moment, despite the cheesiness.

**Author's Note:**

> you made it!! congrats. please feel free to leave a comment, even if it's short, i appreaciate all the feedback. here's some stuff i can't help but mention:
> 
> 1) there was supposed to be two scenes that i couldn't quite work in. one was where jaehwan asked seongwoo if his face hurt because it was too pretty, and another where jaehwan went inside the lecture hall of the class they share at the day of their final and asked seongwoo if they have a test or something that day. it’s truly a shame i couldn't quite fit them, those were solid shitposts of ideas
> 
> 2) i'm not a psychology major so please find it in yourself to forgive me if you are. also i don't really know how south korean post-secondary education works, i'm sorry for any cringey inaccuracies as well
> 
> 3) the guy seongwoo and minhyun ogle is sungjae because this fic is 100% self-indulgent. sorry for making you smoke sungjae my dude i kno you only [vape](https://www.instagram.com/p/BAUgl1JlT_z/?taken-by=yook_can_do_it)
> 
> 4) songs mentioned in this fic: [sleepless rainy night by iu](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DESvEDqJYKI) , [shhhh by taeyeon](https://open.spotify.com/track/3QtbPhZDz5tH830gBQAgFL) , [red queen by iu and zion.t](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b3luWd_390o) , [missing you by btob](https://youtu.be/QCSfTIFbJF4). please give 'em a listen, they're really good
> 
> 5) "jaehwan's jaehwan shirt is just as bad as jaehwan himself." is a reference to [this](https://twitter.com/botnikstudios/status/940627812259696643)
> 
> you can also catch me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/nxxcity), consider buying me a [coffee](http://ko-fi.com/bvssbot) as thanks and send something to my [curious cat](https://curiouscat.me/buttholer)


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